Online BDSM Dating Tips

On dating sites, submissive women are often inundated with junk messages, many from apparently crazy men. Here's how to cope:

Set mail filters, if available. This shunts messages from undesirable correspondents into a bulk folder. Do mention your filter settings in your profile text, so someone who troubles to read it will know if he fits your criteria.

Delete your picture, or post a non-provocative one. Gals with pics, especially slutty ones, are far more inundated with junk messages. You can often attach a pic to a message, or mark certain photos friends-only, so you need not be faceless to everyone. Don't post a pic of a fetish model, unless it's you.

Be descriptive in your profile text. Don't be that girl who either has nothing to say, or lacks the courage to say it. Try to answer three questions: What are you like, as a person and a partner? What would your ideal match be like, as a person and a partner? How do you envision your ideal relationship? Keep adding to and adjusting your profile text over time; it can take a while before you're pleased with how it reads.

Seem savvy, even if you're not. Presenting yourself as a newbie seeking teachers is a sure way to attract carnivores hunting for easy prey. It's safer to disguise your lack of experience (e.g. "I'm not new to kink") in your profile. You can share your actual background later with folks you establish a rapport with.

Request a message keyword. Append a request like this to your profile text: "When messaging me, please start your note with the phrase 'dancing bear' so I'll know you read my whole profile."

Browse your competition. A LOT of the subgirl profiles on some kinky dating sites are fakes — scammers, bored teens, who knows? Make sure your profile doesn't look like one of them!

Immediately block anyone who's rude, without responding. When a dom contacts you, you're a stranger to him. Genuine doms are respectful to strangers, and especially respectful to kinky strangers. Don't feel bad about blocking a jerk; it's best for you both. And don't get into arguments with jerks!

Read profiles and reach out. In my experience, the gals who initiate contact turn out to be much more interesting than those who wait for guys to make the first move. And doms like to be approached — it makes us feel attractive and powerful! Don't take it personally if you don't hear back; you can't tell what's going on in the gent's life at that moment.

Use an anonymous account for email correspondence. I've found many gals give out their primary email address after a short dating-site exchange. It's safer to give someone you haven't met an anonymous email which you only use for dating or kink purposes.

Don't video call until you've met in person. I've heard a few stories of subs agreeing to a video call (e.g. Skype or GTalk) only to discover that the other party could be heard but not seen, due to "some problem". Make voice calls and share photos that protect your privacy until you've met face-to-face.

Be inquisitive and skeptical. Many so-called doms online are bullies or nuts hiding behind BDSM. Even guys who seem nice enough in person in public may be unfeeling jerks behind closed doors. Your best defense against these types is asking numerous questions — about previous relationships, other gals they're seeing, friendships with other kinky people, successes and failures in romance and life, how they build relationships, etc. (See How to Interview a Dom...)

Let a prospect earn your trust over time. Genuine doms are patient and sensitive and concerned about their partners. They're not in a hurry to be addressed as "Sir", give you orders, punish you, or "own" you. They recognize that you wish to put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position in a romance, and that you need to get there gradually.

Be very patient! If you're looking for people to play/scene with occasionally, that's not so hard to find. But if you're seeking a long term partner, you're looking for a needle in a haystack; it will take time.