Monday, December 31, 2012

Online BDSM Dating Tips

On dating sites, submissive women are often inundated with junk messages, many from apparently crazy men. Here's how to cope:

Set mail filters, if available. This shunts messages from undesirable correspondents into a bulk folder. Do mention your filter settings in your profile text, so someone who troubles to read it will know if he fits your criteria.

Delete your picture, or post a non-provocative one. Gals with pics, especially slutty ones, are far more inundated with junk messages. You can often attach a pic to a message, or mark certain photos friends-only, so you need not be faceless to everyone. Don't post a pic of a fetish model, unless it's you.

Be descriptive in your profile text. Don't be that girl who either has nothing to say, or lacks the courage to say it. Try to answer three questions: What are you like, as a person and a partner? What would your ideal match be like, as a person and a partner? How do you envision your ideal relationship? Keep adding to and adjusting your profile text over time; it can take a while before you're pleased with how it reads.

Seem savvy, even if you're not. Presenting yourself as a newbie seeking teachers is a sure way to attract carnivores hunting for easy prey. It's safer to disguise your lack of experience (e.g. "I'm not new to kink") in your profile. You can share your actual background later with folks you establish a rapport with.

Request a message keyword. Append a request like this to your profile text: "When messaging me, please start your note with the phrase 'dancing bear' so I'll know you read my whole profile."

Browse your competition. A LOT of the subgirl profiles on some kinky dating sites are fakes — scammers, bored teens, who knows? Make sure your profile doesn't look like one of them!

Immediately block anyone who's rude, without responding. When a dom contacts you, you're a stranger to him. Genuine doms are respectful to strangers, and especially respectful to kinky strangers. Don't feel bad about blocking a jerk; it's best for you both. And don't get into arguments with jerks!

Read profiles and reach out. In my experience, the gals who initiate contact turn out to be much more interesting than those who wait for guys to make the first move. And doms like to be approached — it makes us feel attractive and powerful! Don't take it personally if you don't hear back; you can't tell what's going on in the gent's life at that moment.

Use an anonymous account for email correspondence. I've found many gals give out their primary email address after a short dating-site exchange. It's safer to give someone you haven't met an anonymous email which you only use for dating or kink purposes.

Don't video call until you've met in person. I've heard a few stories of subs agreeing to a video call (e.g. Skype or GTalk) only to discover that the other party could be heard but not seen, due to "some problem". Make voice calls and share photos that protect your privacy until you've met face-to-face.

Be inquisitive and skeptical. Many so-called doms online are bullies or nuts hiding behind BDSM. Even guys who seem nice enough in person in public may be unfeeling jerks behind closed doors. Your best defense against these types is asking numerous questions — about previous relationships, other gals they're seeing, friendships with other kinky people, successes and failures in romance and life, how they build relationships, etc. (See How to Interview a Dom...)

Let a prospect earn your trust over time. Genuine doms are patient and sensitive and concerned about their partners. They're not in a hurry to be addressed as "Sir", give you orders, punish you, or "own" you. They recognize that you wish to put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position in a romance, and that you need to get there gradually.

Be very patient! If you're looking for people to play/scene with occasionally, that's not so hard to find. But if you're seeking a long term partner, you're looking for a needle in a haystack; it will take time.

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15 Comments:

At October 16, 2013 4:17 AM, Blogger Server from Sac-Town said...

I just have to say that your blog has helped me more than any other resource I've used, even friends. Finally all my questions have been answered. This has been a godsend to me as a sub, and I appreciate it.

 
At October 16, 2013 10:05 AM, Blogger Will said...

Aw, thanks so much for the kind words! You're most welcome :-)

 
At November 12, 2013 3:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I should second that, maybe you(will) are the common internet guide we've all been needing!

You make a good point in here, though, on another note.. How do doms keep from feeling needy? The act of searching for a sub, trying to convince someone I am this or that seems outside of what I thought made me feel I was a dom in the first right... How do we keep from feeling unattractive and unpowerful, as the lack of genuine inquiries seem to be constant... I'm not one to speak much on my behalf, I'd rather fall silent and have my actions answer.. But if no oneis looking, do I get wasted on no one?

 
At November 12, 2013 3:55 PM, Blogger Will said...

Honestly, I feel needy plenty often myself. I've learned to hide it when it won't help me, tho I don't always succeed.

I do think being able to speak on your own behalf is valuable. Telling stories ("Here's how I discovered xyz...") is a more compelling method than simple statements.

 
At December 24, 2014 1:22 AM, Anonymous deeennkay said...

Thanks for a wonderful blog. Sound common sense - most of which I've learned the hard way!!!!!

I would add to this - TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

Often a red flag goes up without you knowing why. I've found almost every time a conversation with someone has had me feeling uneasy without there being something I can specifically identify as the reason it's gone on to be a bad one. Don't try to rationalise it, if you hear a warning bell, end the conversation.

 
At December 26, 2014 1:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I have no picture and had no text other than submissive and I'm inundated on collarspace with junk messages.

I have only shown one man so far fully clothed photos of what I look like.

Where I have now posted tastefully about myself. I may post one tasteful anonymous photo. It's not because I have anything to hide.

I'm very old school House of Milan. Where I love Larry Flint. This site looks like kinked up Beaver Hunt

 
At December 30, 2014 3:10 PM, Blogger Will said...

CollarSpace (formerly CollarMe) does little to control abuse, and so women there are often inundated with nutty and offensive messages. I've met just two people thru it during years of membership, but I can say that those two were great finds.

Fetlife has metropolitan and regional discussion groups covering most parts of the US and many worldwide cities, most of which encourage personal ads. OKCupid is a free, mostly-vanilla dating site which is kink-friendly, posing numerous questions about alternative sexuality in its matching questionnaire. Finally, Tumblr is a blogging service with a substantial number of (largely pictorial) BDSM blogs, and it's easy to follow blogs and contact bloggers privately.

 
At March 05, 2015 2:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been in an online relationship with my master for 4 years and never met in person due to being on different sides of the world. I love him deeply and we have the same interests and kinks as either, not to mention we have chemistry. I want to move to his country and be his 24/7 slave but I also want to find a husband and have kids. He knows of my wants and has previously he has suggested that he could see me as his wife in the future. I like this idea but I don't want to attach to it because I believe it is wrong and I haven't really excepted the reality of real life BDSM. Do you have any advice?

 
At March 07, 2015 1:49 PM, Blogger Will said...

Ask yourself whether you've now become ready for real-life BDSM, and if the answer is yes, start reaching out to kinky folks near you, or arrange a visit with your foreign correspondent (perhaps in a third country if more convenient), or both. Also, I would question your master's own readiness for relationship if he hasn't tried to get the two of you together in four years.

There is nothing wrong with a D/s couple marrying or raising children; many do.

 
At March 07, 2015 5:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe I am ready for a real relationship with my Master.

Neither of has reached out to each other because of financial reasons.

Is there a way I can ask my master if his ready for the real life BDSM with me (I know he has had kinky girlfriends in the past) and a way to ask him his opinion on bring up kids in the lifestyle? I could ask him straight out although I would like to be more subtle.

 
At March 07, 2015 5:35 PM, Blogger Will said...

Open communication is usually best when it comes to your partner; see On Communication Within a Dom/Sub Partnership.

I imagine you've been using skype or other video-chat. If not, meeting that way should help clarify a lot.

 
At April 14, 2015 7:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are there any dating sites that you recommend or just go with the popular ones?

 
At April 15, 2015 5:28 PM, Blogger Will said...

I've encountered a great many subs via OKCupid, which has an effective matching system with many kink-oriented questions (tho you need to answer/skip several hundred Q's for it to work well). Craigslist has occasional gems, and people post ads with kinky keywords in the regular M4W & W4M sections. Fetlife has metro & regional discussion groups, some of which are specifically for personals. Tumblr has many BDSM bloggers (many of whom simply repost porn they like) and in most cases members can contact each other thru the Ask box.

 
At May 10, 2016 7:31 AM, Blogger Psyche said...

I'm only 20 but I want to be a sub. I've done a lot of research on the subject (your blog is so helpful), but I don't want to be with a dom who's much older than me. I know being a good dom takes time and experience. Should I just give up on finding a good younger dom near my own age?

 
At January 28, 2017 11:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so happy I found this article. I have been on this journey a long while. I had a 2 year relationship with a dom who i fell hard for however alas infidelity happend on his part due to it being long distance sometimes anyway no neex to go into the gory details but it devastated me needless to say i married into a vanella relationship with a nice many who was very kinky and open minded fir a while he tried but then he gave up and became frustrated with me he was unfaithful and still firgave and tried. A Sub at heart i wanted to still please him i wanted to try. We are now in the process of getting divorced were separated but he still wants me and the marriage. However i have come to the realization that he can never make me happy as i would always have to top from thr bottom and it makes me angry resentful and unimaginably frustrated. So i began going on a few sites to meet people just to talk and i met a Dom with 30 years experience in the life. His previous Sub died in a car accident and he was ready to give up as he has not been able to find another in 3 years. Then he came across me. He approached me with the utmost respect. And we began to talk. As we chatted and spoke via telephone we found that we were very compatible. He is a cop though and he is working undercover. I know it sound like he is pkaying me. Well i did some vetting on him and his storie and i found him and it is all true. He was not to pleased that i did this needles to say he wants to punish me. We have not met as his work on a project has him consumed. But we are st to meet very soon. I dont trust easily as i am scared from past experience. But i want to trust him. We have so many things in common both kinky and vanilla. He is actively pursuing me. I tried to stop talking to him as i am scared and its a difficult enough time in my life. My first instinct is to always run away. But should i? Could he be the one?

 

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