Subs Don't Need "Training" but Doms Do

A few years ago, I was dating a submissive girl who lived at the other end of the state. She was delightful and adorable and apparently really kinky, but our early visits were rocky; she would express ambivalence and occasional antipathy towards me. Despite this, we kept trying to find a groove over the course of eighteen months. Along the way, she expressed an interest in "slave training"—a topic she'd encountered on BDSM forums, and discussed with other subs. I had not given any sort of training to my previous partners; I tend to develop a romance organically, and teach my partner things, about me or about herself, as needed.

Seeing a training project as an avenue to bring us closer together, I proposed that she visit me for a long weekend of specific lessons. I made a list of kink activities to introduce, a lesson plan for each, and a schedule for each day. Over four days, there would be three 90-minute sessions per day, with breaks in between. Topics included behavior basics, emotions management, kissing, oral service, bondage, pain, protocol, and submissive mindset. I even drafted an agreement for us to sign together, defining the framework of the weekend.

The four days of instruction went well, in fact better than any of our previous meetings. She struggled with a few of the lessons, but didn't become grumpy or withdrawn, a pleasant surprise. The final lesson concluded with the two of us in a calm, connected place. But the exercise did not dispel the greater issues between us; they soon resurfaced. I suspect she had wanted an experience that would suddenly demolish her internal barriers to feeling safe and connected to a lover; that would train her to be... herself. My training schedule was not nearly as intense as it could have been, but in retrospect I don't believe that any dom-imposed training regime could have accomplished what she sought.

In my opinion, all the talk in BDSM circles about "training a submissive" is wrong-headed. No standard training regime is required to be a good submissive partner. (Though many subs I've met could stand a course in how to select a worthy dom! See How to Interview a Dom/Master.) In reality, it is we doms who require the training, and not simply on how to wave a whip safely.

Doms need training, or knowledge and practice, because we assume the authority in the relationship. The ability to retain and wield authority responsibly, and consistently over time, is not innate—there are no "natural dominants". One must acquire and hone these skills, and doing so can take years. Even accurately perceiving your own words and tone as you speak can be challenging, as is choosing an effective mix of substance and style to convey a specific demand.

Although one can find workshops presented by dominant men or women describing their own experiences with D/s, there are no accredited schools for dominant lovers. Most doms therefore educate themselves, hopefully with some mentoring by other wise doms. But for most of us, we are trained by trial and error within our relationships, causing our subs and ourselves suffering when we err.

For subs, the only skills which all must master are emotional and interpersonal best practices, like clear communication, sound boundaries, managing emotions, awareness of triggers, focus in the present—which aren't specific to kinky relationships. Subs who tend to have a strong psychological subspace response should also learn to handle that (see Two Kinds of Subspace). Whatever other abilities that a particular dom desires his love to obtain can be taught at the appropriate moment as their romance unfolds.

And doms do indeed teach their subs many things, especially how to recognize and fulfill their needs & desires, and also life skills beneficial to their partners. Different doms naturally teach different lessons. But to be an effective teacher, a dom must first learn his sub; her strengths and weaknesses, how she absorbs and embraces new ideas or behaviors. Next, he must adapt his ways of instructing and guiding to her. Teaching is a lot easier if you understand how the pupil thinks and learns!

Having a mentor is the closest that most doms and subs get to actual training. The most productive mentoring relationships are dom-to-dom and sub-to-sub, although the other combinations can also work. Mentoring is largely conversational; it happens over coffee, on the phone, via the Internet. While mentoring may occur within a romance, a relationship formed for the purpose of mentoring should not become sexual, as that creates a conflict of interest for the mentor. A mentor's goal must be the growth and success of his protégé.

Some couples like to use "training" as a kinky label for getting-to-know-you activities or early BDSM sessions. These really aren't training per se, but language is a useful romantic lever, so why not "train her" if that feels hot. In the opening stages of a D/s relationship, both partners are best served by simply learning each other. Fitting any two people together, in kinky relationships as much as vanilla ones, is like doing a jigsaw puzzle; it takes time and some trial and error. A dom may need to accommodate a new sub somewhat to win her trust. Over time, she will of course accommodate him extensively as their trust deepens.

A period of immersion in D/s roles—around the clock for a weekend, a week, or even a month—may be hot and bonding for some couples. (For a case study, see Crossing the Line.) However this is not a getting-to-know-you exercise! Only couples with established mutual trust should attempt to dive in such waters.

Some would-be doms like to talk about "breaking a submissive" as a desired outcome of "training". Sadly for them, people are not horses. You cannot expect to magically level your lover's limits by putting her under sustained pressure. For many kinky couples, the practice of BDSM is indeed about finding and transcending boundaries, over time. Someone facing a boundary to be crossed must decide to do so; forcing them across is almost always damaging, to the individual and the pair.

I've heard of doms who offer general "training" for inexperienced subs. They are, from what I could tell, either players looking for easy kink, or polyamorous people seeking short-term relationships with kink newbies. The fact that a dom offering such a "service" fervently believes that it's for the benefit of the sub doesn't make it so. There's nothing inherently wrong with kinky hookups or short-term relationships, but misleading a new sub about the value of the experience is unfair, and all too common.

So my advice to subs is: "Don't seek BDSM training; work on your emotional and interpersonal skills, and seek a capable, sincere dom." And my advice to doms is: "Definitely seek education and mentoring; what you wish to achieve is hard!" A dom's responsibilities—wielding authority wisely, and teaching and guiding his partner—are not easy, and not inborn. Learning these skills takes focus and practice, and wisdom from those with some mastery of them. Becoming that to which you aspire is a long and often arduous journey.
 

The BDSM Scene Is Not Everyone's Kink

I'm sitting in a packed auditorium, in the conference wing of a Silicon Valley hotel. Representatives of BDSM clubs from the northern half of the West Coast parade across the stage, displaying their colors—designs printed on the backs of leather vests—to enthusiastic cheers from the assembled kinksters. The crowd is dressed for the occasion: leather pants, gothic dresses, snug tops and bare abs, corsets, stilettos, knee-high boots. This is the Northwest Leather Celebration conference, with seminars, a bazaar of gear vendors, play parties, and a contest to anoint a master/slave couple to represent the region at the next International Master/slave Contest in Dallas. I've been here all day, attending seminars and taking a tour of the bazaar, and I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm not one of these folks, although I'm at least as kinky as the great majority of them.

It was a great disappointment to me to discover that the "BDSM scene"—or publicly accessible BDSM community—is not representative of the average kinky person. In addition to celebrating the kinks of consensual bondage, sadomasochism, and dominance & submission, the scene also emphasizes polyamory (maintaining multiple kinky relationships) and public play (exhibiting your kinks in a semi-public venue). While there's nothing all that strange about the latter two, they have nothing to do with BDSM per se. And the portion of the population which is inspired by BDSM and polyamory and exhibitionism is, well, vanishingly small.

Some scene members will insist that the scene is the best way, or the only safe way, to get involved in BDSM. This isn't the case at all. Indeed, the vast majority of folks who experiment with or adopt kinky sexuality do so in private and one-on-one.

The scene has many gems and kink savants, and I've met a few of them. (And from friends, I understand that the gay "leather" scene draws a more cohesive crowd than its heterosexual counterpart.) But subcultures tend to attract a disproportionate share of people who feel ill at ease in mainstream society, and so attach themselves to a group which confers an identity and encourages acting different. Such people come in many flavors: insufferable, unstable, manipulative, etc. If you explore the scene, don't put up with any behavior towards you that you wouldn't tolerate in a vanilla social setting. In other words, maintain solid boundaries!

As you've gathered by this point, I'm not active in the BDSM scene. It's not my cup of tea. But here, from an outsider's perspective, is a summary of scene activities:

The central events of the scene are "dungeon" play parties, where people practice their preferred perversions at a venue offering a plethora of stations equipped with SM-oriented furniture. The stations are typically in full view of whomever happens to be there, friends and strangers alike. Attending simply to watch, fully dressed, is totally acceptable. Photography is strictly forbidden, however. Dungeons usually designate a staff member as monitor, and place a few restrictions on players. (Even so, a top performing in an unsafe manner will not necessarily prompt intervention by others, it's up to the bottom to safeword or otherwise flag the problem.) Dungeon parties are the kinky exhibitionist's garden of earthly delights. But they may not be as delightful to the kinky voyeur, as most do not attract a cast of models and fitness buffs!

An aspect of the scene that's accessible to more—ahem—conservative kinksters is the classes which are taught in most dungeon spaces. There, one can learn the basics of rope bondage, flogging, caning, suspension, and numerous other skills. Some teachers are much better than others, so do a little research before picking a class. I attended a BDSM 101 class in the Boston area years ago, and concluded that I'd have done a better job than the instructor, as all he did was go through his S&M toy bag, describing each item.

Local scene groups organize kink-free meetups called "munches" which gather at restaurants or bars. Attire is street clothing—no exhibitionism is asked or offered! Munches are hit or miss affairs; you can't tell if you'll have anything in common with those attending other than BDSM. The first few times you go, try to recruit a friend to accompany you, especially if you're female.

Structured or facilitated BDSM discussion groups such as MAST (Masters and Slaves Together) enable both meeting other kinky people and raising issues that arise from kinky relationships. Some are by invitation, though meeting a facilitator for coffee is often all you need to be invited. Others advertise the time and place they meet and allow drop-in attendance.

And, as described above, there are conferences all over the U.S. throughout the year. Most of these offer workshops, vendor exhibits, and play parties. These events are great places to learn from talented teachers on a broader range of topics than is available in your local scene. A master/slave couple, the master of which is a friend of mine, presented at two workshops during the conference I attended, and I'm glad I made the effort to go for their sessions alone.

So given that the BDSM scene caters to a small fraction of doms and subs, tops and bottoms, where do the rest of us go for knowing friends and partner prospects? Online. Fetlife has a healthy contingent of closeted kinksters among its members. I've recently discovered that the blogging service Tumblr has a thriving BDSM community. OKCupid, a mainstream dating site, is notably kink-friendly, and has a large number of dominant and submissive peeps, many of whom omit mention of it in their profile text, but are identifiable by their questionnaire answers. Just because the local "BDSM community" doesn't hold a place for you doesn't mean your type of kinkster isn't out there looking for you. Indeed, there may be dozens of them within a short ride.

Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self

I simply stumbled into my first D/s romance. At that time in my life, I knew I loved kink—bondage erotica was far more compelling than pretty girls undressed—but I had no clue how to seek a kinky partner. I began dating a gal I met dancing, and several dates in I tried pinching her nipple, sharply, and suddenly we both knew who we were. In that moment, my sadistic or "top" self sprang into the real world for the first time. Her sub self surfaced to meet him. A hidden door into a different world blew open, and we tumbled through it.

During our romance, she was conflicted about our S&M play. One event in particular rattled her badly. In retrospect it wasn't serious, a bare-handed breast spanking in which I went hard too quickly. A good top ramps up pain in sensitive areas gradually. But the pain wasn't what alarmed her, it was the dime-sized purple bruises on her chest that resulted. Looking in the mirror afterwards, she said she saw a battered woman. Most subs I've spoken with subsequently don't mind such bruising; they even relish it. I, too, love to see evidence of my handiwork on my lover.

After that relationship ended, I fell into internal conflict. My vanilla persona, which was taught from an early age at home and school of the evils of domestic violence and the virtues of egalitarian partnership, could not accept my dark side! Or specifically, could not imagine that a smart, secure woman would want to be as submissive as I knew that my top-self would demand. Meanwhile my top continued to surface in any sexual context, hoping some unsuspecting vanilla girl, who had liked an apparently vanilla guy, would turn out to be kinked! I now assure anyone who asks that attempting to "turn" vanilla girls towards kink is a recipe for disappointment and possibly disaster. (Introducing kink to gals with a latent kinky streak is another matter entirely.)

I often wonder whether other educated men have this same conundrum, and choose to dismiss dominant or sadistic instincts as unhealthy due to their upbringing. Men as a whole aren't as aware of their internal lives and needs as women are.

My own internal strife stretched out for years. During that period, I repeatedly fantasized about asking my first sub to return to me as my slave. It wasn't until I discovered a BDSM dating site (where one could browse profiles without first joining) and found seemingly smart, attractive women identifying themselves as submissive, that I finally gathered the wherewithal to reach out to other kinky singles. There began a long process of interpreting my seemingly dark fantasies as a roadmap to fulfilling romance.

When I finally had the opportunity to practice D/s with a gal whom I knew from the get-go was submissive, I discovered another facet of my romantic persona, the dom. Alongside the playful, collaborative vanilla gentleman, and the ferocious top with its taste for cruelty, my dom aspect is fatherly; he's protective but demanding, directive and particular, possessive and nurturing. This then became my predominant style with a submissive partner. Ironically, I believe I learned much of this pattern from the way my mother was with my sister and myself as young children.

I'm often asked where the top side stems from; is it due to childhood events? I really couldn't say. I had dark fantasies that I recall as far back as adolescence, but I can only describe the experience and satisfaction of embodying the top, not where he was born. I have no trauma or abuse in my past.

Unearthing three distinct, and strikingly different, patterns of relating to a lover taught me that embracing all aspects of the self is essential, yet not always natural. And I've met other kinky people who've reported challenges in accepting their own radically different aspects. Probably the most effective method I found to integrate my trio of romantic personae was describing them to others, revealing them. Also I needed a new metaphor by which to understand personality. The myth that an individual makes choices—based on the situation at hand and his skills and preferences and his spirit/karma—didn't make sense any more.

So here is a new metaphor. Your personality is a globe. Its geography is formed by your ways of thinking/feeling, your modes of interaction, all your implicit and explicit behaviors. Each region of your globe is always there; many are inter-connected. Some places lead to others; you can't necessarily travel to a certain spot on the globe from any other locale. There are places on your globe that are comfortable, or beautiful, or dangerous. And there are places that you've not yet seen! And places you will never go. Your globe has no center—or not one you can visit; merely zones where your attention lingers, mostly due to habit. Your terrain has well-worn trails, which you seldom venture away from; you carve new ones by investing the necessary effort. But new paths won't always take you where you meant to go! Exploring your globe, embracing as your own what you find upon it, revealing your discoveries to others who are exploring theirs—that is a path to fulfillment.

Who Is Will and Why Is He an Expert?

I've been asked how I know all these Things You Need to Know; whether they're from my own experiences, or other sources.

Since the autumn of 2006, when I embraced my dom/top side and began seeking a D/s partner, I've discussed BDSM with almost 200 kinky people. Some of those conversations have unfolded over months, or even years, and some have been brief. Most have been online, but a decent chunk have been face-to-face. Most have been submissive women whom I met on dating sites (OKCupid is a good place to find them) and a majority had experience with kink when we connected. In many of these connections I became a source of support and counsel, listening to stories and struggles, and offering insights or advice where I was able.

A few years ago I befriended two doms in San Francisco, one of whom is a leader in the local gay leather community. (He and his slave are a pair of gems!) Our doms' circle has met regularly for dinners ever since, specifically to talk about our romantic paths.

I've learned most of what I know from the above connections, and I've had three D/s relationships myself. The first I happened into when I found myself dancing with a woman in an unusually connected way at a contact improv event, over ten years ago. We began dating, and eventually I discovered she loved pain, and also hated it. It's quite special when kink emerges organically within a duet. My other significant D/s romance was with a woman who was more adventurous than kinky, but with whom I had amazing click very quickly. She agreed to try being my sub, and although it was hard for her often (which was hard on me), we discovered some remarkable places together.

I've also read published and online sources. Different Loving (Brame et al) is an excellent and diverse collection of case studies of kink practices, and still in print after twenty years. The Fetlife discussion forums are occasionally fascinating.

Outside of kink, I've devoted time steadily since my early twenties to personal growth and understanding how the psyche works, especially for relationships. I've participated in men's groups; I've done structured peer counseling; I've read cognitive science. I've wrestled with my own issues, and those that arose in vanilla and kinky relationships. I've made a lot of mistakes, and examined them at length.

I've also done a lot of partner dancing, and found that to lead, I have to listen to my follower with my body and eyes, and that how I lead and what springs from it varies a lot with each partner and the moment. The very same concept applies to leading a lover in a more encompassing way.

BDSM Relationship Variations

BDSM glossaries aren't hard to find, but what you need to know when getting started is the most-common styles of kinky relationships.

First it's important to note: There is no correct way to practice BDSM. Any pair of partners does what works for them. Some kinky people will assert that there is One True Way to be kinky; they're wrong. That's not to say that your views shouldn't expand when you meet a thoughtful person with different ideas; if you're open-minded, no doubt they will evolve organically.

The two major themes in BDSM relationships are "dominance & submission", which implies psychology and interactions, and "sadism & masochism" or "sadomasochism", which implies activities and effects. To oversimplify, the former is more in your head and abstract, the latter in your body and concrete. Kinky relationships often contain both dynamics, but not always.

The most common variety of BDSM is as a purely sexual pursuit, e.g. both partners find it hot when the "sadist" ties up the "masochist" and then does "whatever he pleases" to her. In fact, it's whatever pleases them both; the transfer of control in this situation is a game with agreed or implicit rules. The fact that he doesn't really have sole control doesn't mean that "she's really in control" (a common misconception) — rather, it means control remains shared. The balance of control may actually shift back and forth during the game. Greater intensity, i.e. doing things that "hurt" more, does not necessarily mean that the doer has greater control!

Some jargon: The top and the bottom did a light scene. Top/bottom commonly refer to sadist/masochist roles in a sexual context. Scene refers to a session of S&M, aka kinky sex (although intercourse and orgasms are optional). Most kinky folks, but by no means all, also enjoy non-kinky sex, often termed "vanilla" sex. Some identify as a "switch" and alternate between top & bottom roles, either with the same partner, or different ones.

Perhaps the next most common style is a variation of the above where the top does take more control, and uses that power to do things to the bottom that she both does and doesn't enjoy, or even really dislikes. But she accepts such treatment because she sees her partner aroused and delighted by witnessing her in distress and submitting nonetheless. Doing this kind of scene requires more familiarity and trust between the two, because the bottom is making a sacrifice, and without meaning and purpose, sacrifice can be damaging. In a close relationship, the bottom's dislike for what she was subjected to during the scene will usually transform into satisfaction or pride after the fact. This kind of scene can be scary to both partners, but that fear can be intoxicating.

For some tops, myself included, having tasted power during sex, we begin craving more; then kink starts creeping out from under the bedroom door...

This brings us to another common relationship pattern: where a transfer of control, or dominance & submission, occurs in certain non-sexual contexts. In such relationships, a "dom" seeks influence or authority over his "sub" in small or not-so-small ways, e.g. the way she speaks to him, behaves towards him, dresses around him, even her diet, her exercise regime, her schedule planning. Typically a dom proposes specific rules, and his sub agrees or negotiates an alternative. This is called "lifestyle D/s" and the possibilities here are very broad; there are no areas which a sub should necessarily surrender or retain control over.

Some more jargon: A dom feels ownership of his sub. Here "dom" and "sub" are common shorthand for "dominant person" and "submissive person". Some like to emphasize the roles with capitalization: Dom/sub, Top/bottom, and even pronouns like He/i. (I feel this makes writing harder to read, though I do write "D/s" instead of "D/S".)

A common motivation for a lifestyle D/s partnership is creating a sense of service to the dom by the sub during everyday life, which reflects the more intense service she performs during their sexual scenes. (Note that not all lifestyle D/s relationships incorporate S&M.) Another motivation is mentoring of the sub by the dom, regarding her skills as a sub and/or general personal growth. Some D/s couples codify their intentions and obligations to each other in a written "contract" (although such a document is not legally binding).

Humans, diverse beasts that we are, contrive variations on the D/s theme: master/slave, daddy/girl, owner/pet, teacher/student. These entail rituals and/or role play — sometimes quite elaborate — in both sexual and other contexts.

Of these, master/slave bears closer inspection, as a surprising number of D/s couples identify this way. Due to the history of slavery in the Americas, this terminology is appalling to many, yet M/s couples seem to embrace the drama of that language. Despite the implication of literal ownership, M/s relationships are just as consensual as any other. Common to these relationships is a sense of continuous service by the slave to her master, and an agreement that the slave will not refuse any demand made by her master. What "continuous" means is distinct in every pairing; some slaves have demanding careers, some tend the home fires diligently, others serve as employees in the master's business.

Yet more jargon: That M/s couple has a 24/7 TPE relationship. Some kinky people present their kink roles towards their partners at all times, or 24/7. Total power exchange, TPE, is one name for a slave's agreement to fulfill any request made by her master.

A common concern of individuals new to BDSM concepts is the potential for abuse presented by an imbalance of power within a couple. Indeed, just reading profiles on kinky dating sites, it's evident that many so-called doms are in fact abusers or manipulators who've discovered that BDSM offers them camouflage. But given a partner with whom you have chemistry, communication, intimacy, trust, and aligned intentions, abusive patterns aren't a serious risk. Any D/s couple will face and work through issues in the relationship; D/s dynamics may be useful in some such circumstances, and in others not!

Embarking on a New Journey

When I began writing this blog in the Autumn of 2006, I was newly pursuing D/s romance. I was seeking to understand myself, and to meet others making similar journeys. Back then I documented my own experiences, my philosophy, and some fantasies. Now, six years later, I have gained some knowledge of this path. Over the past couple years, I've found myself repeatedly sharing those insights with others informally. They seem to be valuable insights, some of which are not widely discussed among kinky people.

So I'm re-kindling this blog to be a source of "Things You Need to Know" about BDSM. In other words, how to do this crazy, socially not-so-acceptable "stuff" gracefully and growthfully; and what can happen along the way. I intend to emphasize thinking and behavior, more than the execution of specific kinks. Though I'm sure kinks will creep into it, little devils ;-)

The focus here is male doms and female subs, since that's the terrain I travel. A lot of the writing is applicable to any pairing however.

Planned Articles

BDSM Relationship Variations
Is this D/s Thing Really... Practical? Achievable?
How Do You Know You're Kinky?
Kinky People Were Not Damaged in Childhood
Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self
Subs Don't Need "Training" but Doms Do
Who's Really In Control?
The BDSM Scene Is Not Everyone's Kink
Make Some Kinky Friends (sans Benefits)
Do Your Homework! Recommended Resources
Who Is Will and Why Is He an Expert?

Seeking a BDSM Partner
What to Look For in a Dom/Master
What I Look For in a Submissive Partner
Online BDSM Dating Tips
How to Interview a Dom/Master Prospect
BDSM Dating Etiquette
Polyamory
Integration: Resolving Your Vanilla/Kink Dichotomy
The Dangers of Dom/Sub Gravity
Two Kinds of Subspace
The Challenge of Finding a Long-Term D/s Partner
Why Doms & Subs Should Not Date Vanilla People
Abusive Men Are Not Kinky
Some Kinky People Don't Have Distinct Kinks
"True Submissives" and Other Lies

Why Dominant/Submissive Romance Is Hard
Letting Kink Out of the Bedroom
Emotional Issues in Dom/Sub Relationships
Why Safewords Are Not Safe
Understanding Limits and "No Limits"
Essential Rights for a Submissive Partner
Assuaging a Sub's Fear of Abandonment
On Communication Within a Dom/Sub Partnership
The Dom's Role as Mentor
Playing Your Sub Like an Instrument
Crossing the Line: Where Kink Becomes Abuse
The Top, the Dom, and the Master
The Bottom, the Sub, and the Slave
Generosity, Ferocity, Cruelty, Misogyny
Subdrop Symptoms and Treatment
Coming Out to Friends and Family
The Aftermath: Recovery from a Failed D/s Romance