Why Doms & Subs Should Not Date Vanilla People

To be perfectly honest... I often wish I wasn't romantically and sexually dominant. I'm single, and regularly meet attractive, vibrant, vanilla girls who think I'm an awesome dancer and appealing gent and want to get to know me. Alas, I cannot date any of these gals and expect it to go anywhere; I know, because I have tried.

A few weeks ago, a reader posted a comment on this predicament:

... A man I feel deep feelings for recently told me he's been a Dom for over 25 years — which freaked me out a little, to be honest. He is 10 years older and we have a great deal in common. Intellectually he is unlike any man I have ever known, and our connection, interaction, attraction, and compatibility are almost magical. My issue mostly is that I am not what anyone would consider submissive ... Even worse, I cannot imagine anyone thinking I would be submissive in the full sense of the word. Yes, there are few things (I think) I would decline to do with this man because I think he's simply amazing, but on the other hand, I don't think I could allow him to actually hurt me, or humiliate me. I'm definitely not turned on by things like that.

I responded to her that, from my own hard experience, the two of them should go separate ways; that each of them would be far more fulfilled by a partner who would love them they way they need to be loved.

Five years ago I fell in love with... let's call her Amanda. She was a wonderful dancer, tall, thin, curvy, with an expressive face that was stunning when she beamed, which she did constantly. Her romantic nature was giving and devoted, and sexually adventurous. We had delightful chemistry from the first moments, and I fell for her rapidly. The second or third time we got together, I told her I'm a dom, and what that means. She replied that she was open to any mutually fulfilling erotic explorations. And suddenly we were spending as much time together as possible.

But giving and devoted and in-love do not add up to submissive; sexually adventurous is not kinky per se. Love does not, it turns out, conquer anyone or anything; it merely makes you believe passionately that you should try, and damn the consequences. Our relationship was delightfully intense, and we took some remarkable excursions, both within the bedroom and beyond it. But ultimately neither of us could give the other what they needed in romance. She could not embrace, or even comprehend, my need to see her suffer in any sexual situation. During the last half of an eighteen month relationship, we had virtually no sexual contact, just periodic platonic snuggling. Given how much we loved, and wanted, each other, that was heart-breaking, daily.

I'll note that one may draw the line between "vanilla" and "kinky" differently. I would not call it kink when partners include occasional light bondage or barehanded spanking in their sex life. To me, kink implies high, sustained physical and/or psychological intensity, which the partners crave regularly. Such intensity usually demands a recovery period, which may include focused care immediately following the experience.

It's tough being a kinky single, especially if, like me, you seek the deep bond which D/s and S&M engender between committed partners — versus alternative sex with whatever curious creature crosses your path, which is easier to arrange. Searching for someone with whom you share compatibility in both kink and vanilla terms can be disheartening, as there's such a small pool of people who both share your kinks, and would also love your everyday personality. The loneliness that results from this dearth of possibility drives some of us to attempt relationships with vanilla people, simply because they're so much easier to find, and flirt with, and fall for. This is a mistake.

It won't feel like a mistake initially. It's exhilarating to feel deeply connected to someone, to see into another's soul, and feel intimately seen by them. But as in any new coupling, it's essential to recognize the difference between infatuation and mutual understanding. The former flares up immediately, the latter unfolds over time. And what unfolds over time in a kinky-vanilla pairing is misunderstanding, disappointment, frustration.

Some submissive women I've talked to who've dated vanilla guys have said that they've found themselves actually taking the lead in those relationships. I surmise that's because they're keenly aware of the value of authority in partnership, and so attempt to fill that vacuum, even though it makes them uncomfortable or even disdainful of their partner.

But suppose you don't discover that you're kinky until... after you're married. I've talked with a few women in this situation. Being married doesn't predispose your partner to being dominant or submissive with you any more than being in love does, even though this seems like the most natural thing in the world, at least for the kinky party. But you do have options here, besides shelving your D/s desires or separating. A surprising number of folks I've spoken with have kink partners alongside a vanilla marriage, with the consent of their spouse. Obviously this requires the spouse to be open-minded and flexible! Another angle is finding some kinky practices which the vanilla partner enjoys. It's not hard to create that sustained physical and psychological intensity I've referred to with someone you know well. And of course some choose to indulge their desires outside the marriage without telling, although this entails significant risk to the relationship.

Based on the conversations I've had with innumerable kinky people over the past seven years, I'm prepared to assert that appetites for dominance, submission, or sadomasochism are innate, not acquired. Many of my sources report becoming aware of deviant desires in childhood, before attaining any education on sex. Vanilla folks simply don't experience a thrill in wielding control over a partner, or yielding it; the roles feel awkward. True, you can awaken latent desires in someone who is kinky but hasn't had partners to explore it with. (Although in our era of diverse and abundant kink porn and erotica, where a D/s romance trilogy became a runaway best seller, the number of people harboring quiet cravings for D/s is dwindling.) But you can't teach someone you love to become dominant or submissive; you need someone who was born this way.

What I Look For in a Submissive Partner

This article sat in the drafts folder for weeks; I found it hard to finish. It forced me to reflect on some things... I'm single, and dislike being so — I'm a better, more effective man when I have a committed partner. I don't do kink casually, so being single means my dom side gets almost no love. Pondering my search is dispiriting, as it's a process that has no clear calendar. And it troubles me to wonder, after talking with a lot of kinky girls over the past few years, whether the girl I'm seeking even exists. I'm a tall order to fill, no question, but if I don't admire a girl in multiple ways, I wouldn't want to acquire her.

But here it is at last, written for myself as much as for you. I've tried to highlight generally valuable qualities in a submissive partner, and deemphasize things which are singular to me.

Possesses a strong will. As a friend of mine who's the master half of a master/slave pair likes to say, "A good sub has a spine of steel." Ultimately, it is inner strength that lets a sub give of herself in profound and intense ways, and carry on this way year in and year out.

Wants kink for the way it makes her feel. Doing it "for his sake" may seem like a submissive attitude, but activities which are not rewarding to her, either during or afterwards, are ultimately depleting and unsustainable.

Shares a few significant, non-kinky passions with her partner. D/s partners must have vanilla chemistry; they can't spend every minute of the relationship in a kinky fog. (For example, I go partner dancing twice a week, and if my girl wasn't into that, I'd feel like she didn't really know me.)

Attentive and curious. These are essential for a submissive partner, since she has to learn to read her dom, and to respond to his needs or goals in any situation where they've agreed she will submit.

Desires and acts on feedback. A dom may wish his girl to adjust her behavior in ways small and large over time. When I offer input, I want to hear, "Got it, thanks for telling me!" However, she may not effect big changes overnight, those usually require practice.

Grateful. I, for one, need to hear that my partner appreciates me, believes in me, feels blessed by my company and all it entails. Such offerings can help assuage occasional "dom's guilt".

Strong emotional boundaries. She's not easily offended or triggered or manipulated. What others may say to her won't knock her off-kilter or lodge in her self-perception. It's important to hold boundaries with family, colleagues, friends, and one's lover. One of the goals of D/s is to dismantle boundaries between dom and sub, but even so a sub needs to recognize it when her dom says something to her that's due to stress or confusion. (See also Emotional Issues in Dom/Sub Relationships.)

Self-esteem. This has been a challenge for many of the women I've dated, both vanilla and kinky, and thus something I've come to expect to help a partner with. But an emotionally healthy girl will have some inkling of her abilities and gifts, even if she has doubts about them in some contexts.

Communicates rationally when under stress. The ability to hold oneself together when stressed out or upset is invaluable. Of course, there are limits to how much duress anyone can withstand before they shut down or lash out.

Loves learning and is addicted to it. A big mind is a huge asset; I'd be bored by a girl who didn't devour new knowledge and share parts of it with me. In doing so, she enriches my understanding of her, the world, and myself.

Enjoys some kind of challenging physical activity. Moving keeps her in touch with her body — a big part of the brain is devoted to the body after all. The practice could be dance, hiking, running, a gym circuit, ultimate frisbee, yoga, tai chi, gardening; the list is endless. It needn't be mindless exercise for its own sake. Also flexibility and strength are particularly helpful for more intense S&M work. :-)

Awareness of nutrition. This is essential in today's food market, because competition has steadily driven vendors to offer huge portions of addictive foods at bargain prices. A healthy diet is high in lean protein and very low in sweets.

Not preoccupied with consumptive activities. I find that undertaking challenging, creative projects together, whether out in the world or at home, is more bonding than ordinary entertainments like shopping, dining out, traveling, and the theater.

Willing to push back when wise. Any dom needs a reality check from time to time. If he suggests something foolish, or is about to dive into some chasm, he'll benefit if she pipes up.

Doesn't set arbitrary limits. Claiming some kinky thing is a "limit" without reason — other than "ew!" — isn't a sign of an open mind. That's not to say that a sub should say yes to something out-there early in the relationship. Intense activities need a strong container, which takes time to build.

Aligned ambitions. Some subs have big life goals for themselves, and so may not be well-matched to doms that wish to be the sub's focus whenever she's awake. Some doms enjoy it when a sub has responsibility and authority at work; they may not be compatible with a sub who's less invested in career progress.

Chemistry. Note that the above characteristics do not create rapport with someone, in and of themselves. Chemistry counts for a lot — although having it cannot compensate for the lack of must-have features.

What's Irrelevant

Intro/extroversion. I'm somewhat introverted, and have had both introverted and extroverted partners. Both have enriched me. I would only suggest that a personality that hates crowds should not be paired with one that only thrives as a social butterfly.

Enjoys pain or humiliation. Many subs don't enjoy pain for its own sake, yet still gladly endure it, and eventually come to crave it, as a service to the dom. Others do relish certain kinds of pain, however there's always methods a sadistic dom can apply to cause distress in a sub who usually gets off on pain.

How to Interview a Dom/Master Prospect

Your prince is out there, seeking you, hungering for you, wondering where you are. But crouching between you and him are dozens of frogs and trolls. A few of these are even handsome and well-spoken. And you must wade through them, trying not to get slimed or bitten, before reaching your eventual partner.

Just how are you to discern a poser from a dependable, balanced dominant gentleman? A man with the qualities described in What to Look For ...? You can't see into the past, or read minds, so you have one method of discrimination before you take the risk of investing trust in a prospect: inquisition—you ask him a ton of questions.

It's one of the hardest chores for many submissive women. After encountering a gent she feels intrigued by, she must—although her sub side may already desire his direction—play detective.

Many single subs overlook this phase, and expose themselves to unsavory characters claiming BDSM expertise after a brief online correspondence or phone conversation. Single sub friends of mine have had bad experiences that they might have avoided had they vetted dom candidates more carefully. One was physically mistreated on a first date, another was stalked and had her car ransacked. Thankfully I don't hear such stories that often.

Here then are some tips on the art of investigation...

Be sweet but skeptical. There are relatively few quality, single, monogamous doms in the world. An awful lot of the so-called doms you're likely to turn up (especially on kink sites) are insincere and/or unsafe. Don't give a stranger the benefit of the doubt! Don't grant him more trust than he's earned.

Present your questions as expressions of interest. Your objective is information, but let him see that you're intrigued by him and want to know all about him. And proceed at a relaxed pace, making space for him to query you about things.

Start with instant messaging, from an anonymous webmail account. I like Gmail, as it keeps chat logs. IM is interactive, and you can tell something about the guy from the speed and clarity of his answers. However, plain email may work better than IM via phone, since typing on a tiny screen is slow and error-prone.

Make phone calls without caller-ID. When ready to continue the discussion by phone, make a talk appointment, and place the call yourself, so you can hide your number. From the United States, dial *67 (*mp, think "my privacy") and then his number. Or use Google Talk, Skype, etc.

Re-ask important questions a few times, over time. Many people feel comfortable lying to strangers. Liars frequently don't remember exactly how they answered questions previously, so you'll hear inconsistent responses.

Watch out for B.S. Politely disengage if the guy says any of:

Address me as sir/master/daddy/etc. [that comes later]
You ask too many questions to be a genuine sub.
I'm the dom; I'll decide what to reveal and when.
That question has no bearing on my relationship with you.
Well I really don't blah blah blah... [evasiveness]

Ask about relationships. The most important material you can unearth is his relationship history. Does he say good things about the girls, or does he blame them for things? Some of the topics:

What have been your most significant relationships?
For each one:
 - how did you meet?
 - when did it end?
 - how long did it last?
 - why did it end?
 - are you still friendly, if not why?
 - what did you love about that relationship?
 - what about it didn't work for you?
 - what are the three most valuable things you learned from it?
 - what were the three hardest moments during it?
 - what were the three best moments?
 - how did you wish she was different?
 - how did she wish you were different?
 - what were your biggest mistakes of that relationship?
Have you ever met another girl without your partner knowing?
What are your expectations of a partner?
What behavior by a partner most pleases or thrills you?
What behavior by a partner most upsets or frustrates you?
What are your biggest issues/vulnerabilities in life?
 - how have those surfaced in recent relationships?

Ask about kinks. You need to know if you have kink-compatibility. Topics:

What are your most important kinks?
 - how often do you need them?
Do you enjoy vanilla sex?
What are the five most intense kinky things you've done?
 - how did you do aftercare in those cases?
When have you pushed a partner too far?
 - how did you deal with those times?
What are your thoughts on safewords?
What are your hard limits?
Have you seen a partner subdrop?
 - how did you deal with it?
Have you made rules for a sub?
 - what are some examples?
 - how have you punished a sub for breaking rules?
Have you read how-to books or taken classes on BDSM?

Ask about deal-breakers. Most people have relationship needs they're unwilling to compromise on. Find out what his are. And discover whether he's compatible with yours! Also don't entertain the fantasy that either of you can change the other to solve deal-breaker issues.

Ask about friends and family. His relationships with people other than ex-partners may be telling.

Who are your closest friends?
 - how often do you see them?
 - how do you spend time with them?
If you have siblings, are you close with them?
 - how do you spend time with them?
 - do you have nieces or nephews?
Are you close with your parents?
 - what do you like/dislike about them?

Reconfirm the basics. You may think you already know the answers to these, but verify what you know.

How old are you?
What are your height & weight?
Are you married/separated/divorced/single?
Are you seeing anyone?
Are you polyamorous?
Do you have any children?
Are you employed, and in what field?
Do you live alone?
Do you have pets?
How often and how much do you drink?
Do you smoke or do any drugs?
Do you have any history with the law/courts?
Do you own any firearms?

Make up your own questions. There's zillions of other things you'll want to know about a prospective partner, for your own reasons. Ask away!

Be patient. Take the time and care necessary to get to know someone, on many facets of his personality, before you put your well-being in his hands. Avoid being sucked in by D/s Gravity. Don't be afraid to back up or walk away if it doesn't feel right to you. And be persistent; don't let the frogs get you down.

The Dangers of Dom/Sub Gravity

There is a phenomenon of compelling—or irresistible—but groundless attraction that may occur between a dom & sub early-on in their interactions. I call this D/s Gravity. It must be resisted, as it will probably pull one or both of you into a crash landing in unknown terrain.

A dom friend of mine once described one of his first D/s relationships: After meeting, he and this sub fell promptly into master and slave roles, and disappeared into her apartment in Manhattan, sustaining their kinky dynamic around the clock. After a few weeks (neither had a 9-5 job) they somehow surfaced back to their respective vanilla modes, and promptly discovered that they had nothing in common! There the relationship ended, as abruptly as it began.

Just because you have kinky click with someone doesn't mean they're a match for you in any other way. And you absolutely need general chemistry and compatibility to sustain a relationship. It's therefore essential that you verify these before you get kinky with a stranger! OK, that seems obvious reading it here, but it won't be when you meet some attractive devil who proposes to sink his pearly-white teeth into you, or the other way round.

D/s Gravity can emerge before the pair meet face-to-face, by phone or even instant-messaging. (It may, of course, evaporate in the first meeting if real-life chemistry is missing.) Gravity is a risk for both newbies and experienced folks alike; the more hunger you feel for the rich texture of a D/s romance, of giving/taking control, the more susceptible you are to a Gravity event. On the sub's part, falling into psychological subspace (see Subspace article) makes Gravity more intense, for both parties. It may seem to her as if this particular dom is inducing her altered state, when in fact he's merely a catalyst for a process native to her own mind. It may seem to him as if she's inspired to submit by his mere presence, and he may respond to that apparent wish that he take control.

Many players, who wish to take without giving but hide their intentions, will claim dominance and take advantage of D/s Gravity to have their way with a sub, then quickly move on to the next girl. Players are more readily encountered than sincere romantic gentlemen. A bit of healthy, initial skepticism will help a sub recognize when she's being played.

You should avoid or at least resist Gravity events. Firstly, don't play D/s games by phone or text before you meet in-person. A bit of flirting is fine and fun, but giving/taking orders is inappropriate. After meeting, if you're inclined to build a lasting relationship, start off doing activities that you're both into, outside the bedroom. I like to get familiar with a girl by going out dancing. Partner dance affords opportunities for small D/s gestures — how I lead, how I touch her — without providing a setting for serious control or kink.

A responsible dom will realize that Gravity is a risk, and deliberately guide discussion and interaction towards establishing vanilla chemistry and compatibility. He may flirt in kinky terms, but he won't pull the girl into fantasies. He will guide her out of subspace if she falls into it. A responsible single sub realizes her first duty is to herself and her future "owner", and not some intriguing but largely unknown gent who labels himself dominant. She should never take orders or requests from some dude just "because I'm the dom and you're the sub". The formal term for such claims is "B.S."

What to Look For in a Dom/Master

The skill set required of a dom in a lifestyle D/s relationship is rather different than that for a top in an S&M scene, although there's overlap. The focus of this article is lifestyle doms. (See Relationship Variations article.) Most of these traits are straight out of the best-practices manual for vanilla relationships!

Note: I run the risk of simply summarizing my own style as a dom here. I've tried to look beyond that, and solicited feedback from sub friends.

Honesty and transparency. He answers any question you pose, shares things you should know unprompted, and hides nothing about his life. He's willing to discuss previous relationships in detail, and doesn't blame breakups mostly on the ex-partners.

Has tried kink and craves more. He wants kink for how it makes him feel, not just because you want it. He's not conflicted about it. He enjoys educating himself on the topic, and has kinky friends and/or mentors. (Because it's easier to meet appealing men in ordinary social situations, many sub gals make the mistake of falling for vanilla guys who seem to have dominant attributes. Vanilla boys cannot be converted to doms!)

Vanilla chemistry. You like each other as people, not just as kink providers! He likes you as much as you like him. He doesn't pull you into D/s dynamics until you get familiar with each other. (This can be hard to resist! See D/s Gravity article.)

Compatible life patterns and goals. Some subs, and doms, are more adaptable than others. But in general, chemistry is not enough; you need basic alignment in schedules, habits, needs for solitude & attention/affection & kink/sex, and social patterns (e.g. a social butterfly may not be well-matched to a homebody). Career and family needs and dreams also need to line up, or be adjustable!

Vision and clarity. He has a picture or plan for the future of the relationship. He sees possible paths from the present to that place, and makes the current path clear to his sub. The journey may well alter his vision of the destination, or the route to it.

Emotional sophistication. He's aware of his own feelings and issues, and able to discover and understand yours. He can ask for help when he needs it and lend help when you ask. He's not easily angered or hurt, but will promptly and calmly tell you when he is. He'll call you on your stuff, and allows you to call him on his.

Dedication to self-development. He's constantly working on himself — especially emotional and social skills. He's at peace with who he is, but isn't complacent. He learns from his mistakes. (This trait can fill a lot of gaps if he learns quickly, but it's not a substitute for missing abilities.)

Curiosity and fascination. He's profoundly interested in you, and your dynamics together, and the aspects of himself that you enable him to explore.

Intuition and empathy. He's good at reading you, and eventually predicting your likely responses in key moments. He communicates his insights about you. He has a sense of how you feel, which impacts his own mind-state.

Humility and confidence. He knows his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. He knows his strengths. He takes risks wisely. He doesn't mistake authority for knowledge and understanding. He owns it when he's at fault or has failed.

Sets limits and pushes limits. One point of D/s is redefining both partners' boundaries, emotionally and physically. A dom guides this process, both by setting beneficial restrictions on his partner, and working to dismantle barriers she may have towards him.

Patience and flexibility. He's willing to invest the time and care necessary for a deep relationship. He knows you're not superhuman. He can take "no" for an answer when necessary. He can devise or embrace alternate routes to his objectives.

Appreciation and encouragement. He conveys to you how good he feels with you. He celebrates your talents and accomplishments. He doesn't criticize you unfairly or needlessly. He urges you to pursue your interests, to hone your strengths, to address your weaknesses. (Appreciation can be overdone. A sub should draw greater meaning from acts fulfilling her partner's needs than from praise for performing them.)

Knowledge of the body. He can touch you in an observant way, or a directive one. He learns how to play your body like an instrument. He is aware of his own body. He can sense when either of you needs rest.

Financial stability. He has his own living space. His debt to income ratio is manageable. (Disposable income to spend on fetish gear is nice, but do-it-yourself projects can replicate much of it. Wealth is not essential to happiness, in fact it can get in the way.)

Cares for himself. He's sensible about nutrition, sleep, exercise, grooming, clothes, car, etc.

If you find a gent with all of the above qualities, and he's into you, be willing to bend over backwards and forwards for him daily. He's a rare find!

What's Irrelevant

Looks. How someone feels to you in person — through eyes, voice, energy — is far more important than how statuesque or photogenic he is.

Need for control. Some doms like to supervise a sub closely and often, others do so far less. How dominated a sub feels is not a matter of how often her dom barks orders. Most control freaks don't qualify as doms.

Social and workplace dominance. Romance novels describe heroes who somehow control every situation they encounter. No one does that. Almost all kinky gents are employees of some kind. And anybody is comfortable in certain social situations and less sure of themselves in others.

D/s experience. If a guy hasn't "owned" a sub before, it doesn't mean he's not qualified. Talent and dedication to honing it are more crucial than experience.

Online BDSM Dating Tips

On dating sites, submissive women are often inundated with junk messages, many from apparently crazy men. Here's how to cope:

Set mail filters, if available. This shunts messages from undesirable correspondents into a bulk folder. Do mention your filter settings in your profile text, so someone who troubles to read it will know if he fits your criteria.

Delete your picture, or post a non-provocative one. Gals with pics, especially slutty ones, are far more inundated with junk messages. You can often attach a pic to a message, or mark certain photos friends-only, so you need not be faceless to everyone. Don't post a pic of a fetish model, unless it's you.

Be descriptive in your profile text. Don't be that girl who either has nothing to say, or lacks the courage to say it. Try to answer three questions: What are you like, as a person and a partner? What would your ideal match be like, as a person and a partner? How do you envision your ideal relationship? Keep adding to and adjusting your profile text over time; it can take a while before you're pleased with how it reads.

Seem savvy, even if you're not. Presenting yourself as a newbie seeking teachers is a sure way to attract carnivores hunting for easy prey. It's safer to disguise your lack of experience (e.g. "I'm not new to kink") in your profile. You can share your actual background later with folks you establish a rapport with.

Request a message keyword. Append a request like this to your profile text: "When messaging me, please start your note with the phrase 'dancing bear' so I'll know you read my whole profile."

Browse your competition. A LOT of the subgirl profiles on some kinky dating sites are fakes — scammers, bored teens, who knows? Make sure your profile doesn't look like one of them!

Immediately block anyone who's rude, without responding. When a dom contacts you, you're a stranger to him. Genuine doms are respectful to strangers, and especially respectful to kinky strangers. Don't feel bad about blocking a jerk; it's best for you both. And don't get into arguments with jerks!

Read profiles and reach out. In my experience, the gals who initiate contact turn out to be much more interesting than those who wait for guys to make the first move. And doms like to be approached — it makes us feel attractive and powerful! Don't take it personally if you don't hear back; you can't tell what's going on in the gent's life at that moment.

Use an anonymous account for email correspondence. I've found many gals give out their primary email address after a short dating-site exchange. It's safer to give someone you haven't met an anonymous email which you only use for dating or kink purposes.

Don't video call until you've met in person. I've heard a few stories of subs agreeing to a video call (e.g. Skype or GTalk) only to discover that the other party could be heard but not seen, due to "some problem". Make voice calls and share photos that protect your privacy until you've met face-to-face.

Be inquisitive and skeptical. Many so-called doms online are bullies or nuts hiding behind BDSM. Even guys who seem nice enough in person in public may be unfeeling jerks behind closed doors. Your best defense against these types is asking numerous questions — about previous relationships, other gals they're seeing, friendships with other kinky people, successes and failures in romance and life, how they build relationships, etc. (See How to Interview a Dom...)

Let a prospect earn your trust over time. Genuine doms are patient and sensitive and concerned about their partners. They're not in a hurry to be addressed as "Sir", give you orders, punish you, or "own" you. They recognize that you wish to put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position in a romance, and that you need to get there gradually.

Be very patient! If you're looking for people to play/scene with occasionally, that's not so hard to find. But if you're seeking a long term partner, you're looking for a needle in a haystack; it will take time.

Two Kinds of Subspace

Subspace is a widespread experience among BDSM subs, and from my own interactions with partners and discussions with friends, it manifests in two distinct forms. I have only seen one of these discussed in published materials and online forums.

What I call physiological subspace, which is the variant most commonly described, is induced through sustained pain play, especially from impact toys, e.g. a bare hand, flogger, paddle, cane, etc. It is apparently caused by endorphins, adrenaline, or other body chemistry. The actual sensation varies among individuals. The way it was described to me by a partner experiencing it is a strong whole-body buzzing sensation coupled with an inability to focus her eyes. Others I've spoken with have described it as a warm, floaty, spacey, serene feeling which is less bothered by pain. Some people attach spiritual significance to the experience. For some it is the point of kinky play.

Physiological subspace is not inevitable during S&M play. I know of one top who would monitor his partner and pause when she felt subspace coming on, until the feeling passed, so that she would remain wholly present, and fully sensitive to pain, during their sessions.

What I call psychological subspace, which I had never seen discussed in writing before I witnessed it first hand, occurs far more commonly than the physiological kind. It is apparently induced by feeling drawn to a dom. I have no idea what causes this phenomenon, but it is widespread among subs I have met. It is not the same as sexual arousal, though may be accompanied by that. The sensation is very much an altered state, where the person becomes inarticulate or non-verbal, suggestible, and feels floaty and warm, possibly with mild tingling throughout the body. It is an inviting feeling, and hard to resist.

Problematically, a sub can drop into psychological subspace around a dom she hardly knows! I've experienced this very situation, during a first conversation with a girl, on two occasions — once on the phone, and once sitting together at a cafe. In both cases my companion was caught off guard by the sudden, intense feelings, and somewhat overwhelmed. Fortunately this state can be managed or suppressed, and it's very important for subs to learn to do so, as subspace leaves a sub vulnerable to a dom who's motives she isn't certain of. Simply breathing and bringing your attention back to what's going on around you will help lift you out of subspace, but you'll need to sustain that effort once you come back to the surface.

Although I have no experience of hypnosis, in either therapeutic or erotic situations, I suspect that psychological subspace is sometimes mistaken for a hypnotic trance. While it's conceivable that they're related states of mind, psychological subspace is not caused by a dom, merely catalyzed by him. I have to wonder whether doms who claim to practice hypnosis are merely triggering subspace responses in their subjects!