Embarking on a New Journey
When I began writing this blog in the Autumn of 2006, I was newly pursuing D/s romance. I was seeking to understand myself, and to meet others making similar journeys. Back then I documented my own experiences, my philosophy, and some fantasies. Now, six years later, I have gained some knowledge of this path. Over the past couple years, I've found myself repeatedly sharing those insights with others informally. They seem to be valuable insights, some of which are not widely discussed among kinky people.
So I'm re-kindling this blog to be a source of "Things You Need to Know" about BDSM. In other words, how to do this crazy, socially not-so-acceptable "stuff" gracefully and growthfully; and what can happen along the way. I intend to emphasize thinking and behavior, more than the execution of specific kinks. Though I'm sure kinks will creep into it, little devils ;-)
The focus here is male doms and female subs, since that's the terrain I travel. A lot of the writing is applicable to any pairing however.
Planned Articles
BDSM Relationship Variations
Is this D/s Thing Really... Practical? Achievable?
How Do You Know You're Kinky?
Kinky People Were Not Damaged in Childhood
Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self
Subs Don't Need "Training" but Doms Do
Who's Really In Control?
The BDSM Scene Is Not Everyone's Kink
Make Some Kinky Friends (sans Benefits)
Do Your Homework! Recommended Resources
Who Is Will and Why Is He an Expert?
Seeking a BDSM Partner
What to Look For in a Dom/Master
What I Look For in a Submissive Partner
Online BDSM Dating Tips
How to Interview a Dom/Master Prospect
BDSM Dating Etiquette
Polyamory
Integration: Resolving Your Vanilla/Kink Dichotomy
The Dangers of Dom/Sub Gravity
Two Kinds of Subspace
The Challenge of Finding a Long-Term D/s Partner
Why Doms & Subs Should Not Date Vanilla People
Abusive Men Are Not Kinky
Some Kinky People Don't Have Distinct Kinks
"True Submissives" and Other Lies
Why Dominant/Submissive Romance Is Hard
Letting Kink Out of the Bedroom
Emotional Issues in Dom/Sub Relationships
Why Safewords Are Not Safe
Understanding Limits and "No Limits"
Essential Rights for a Submissive Partner
Assuaging a Sub's Fear of Abandonment
On Communication Within a Dom/Sub Partnership
The Dom's Role as Mentor
Playing Your Sub Like an Instrument
Crossing the Line: Where Kink Becomes Abuse
The Top, the Dom, and the Master
The Bottom, the Sub, and the Slave
Generosity, Ferocity, Cruelty, Misogyny
Subdrop Symptoms and Treatment
Coming Out to Friends and Family
The Aftermath: Recovery from a Failed D/s Romance
Labels: overview
by Will @ 6:09 PM postlink
9 comments
9 Comments:
hi will, ive always been curious about bdsm, and read about it alot. i married and have been mrried to my husband for two years and i love him. We are curious about trying some bdsm, but are unsure about how to go about actually doing anything.Any advice for us?
Hallo. The place to start would be bondage! Neckties work well as starter bindings. The "top" (the one doing the tying) only needs to learn the simple "two-column tie" (see YouTube) to be effective. I use that method to bind a girl's forearms together behind her back, then make her sit cross-legged and bind her ankles so she can't close her legs. That way she's immobilized, but I can sit her up, lie her down, flip her over, etc.
If the bondage works well, the top can try a little SM play. Spanking, pinching, and biting can be varied in intensity from pleasurable to terribly painful, and you can do those things many places on the body. Start gently, increase velocity/pressure slowly, and have the bottom report what she's feeling every step of the way.
Hope that helps, and good luck!
Hi, Will!
Thank you for all the information you took time to collect.
Being a woman with possible submissive potentials, I learnt a great deal by reading your blogs.
There is something I still would like to know. You mentioned that we need to be born kinky. Later in life we might have a trigger event surfacing our given traits. I have just tumbled upon my event in form of the book "Fifty shades of grey". Yet I am uncertain how reliable that book is in relation to true BDSM lifestyle.
Keep up your educational work, please!
Regards,
Ildy
Hi Ildy. I have not read the 50 Shades books, but I hear from many sources that they are not a model for a healthy BDSM relationship. Although the author did draw many elements of real BDSM relationships into the stories, apparently based on content she found online online as opposed to actual experience.
Ultimately, any two partners construct a relationship based on what works for them. There's no correct model to follow; the range of possibilities is great, and many couples evolve their D/s dynamic and practices as their relationship matures.
Hi Will, your blog has been so insightful and helpful. I've thought for a while now that I might be a sub, but in the past year with my boyfriend, I've finally become pretty certain of it. I just don't know how to introduce him to it now. I've mentioned it in passing a couple times, and I don't need to go for bondage right away, I just want to get him to open up more about what he wants from me. It's the most frustrating thing in the world for me when he obviously wants me on top, but I have no idea what to do from there, and at the end of the night I feel like I've disappointed him. Any advise?
Hi Will, I'm not sure if your blog is still active...I have read almost every blog, very enlightening, helpful, resonating. I am relatively new to D/s, I am babygirl without the age play, and I have recently started a long distance relationship with my Daddy (5 months ago, this is my 2nd D/s relationship). We were introduced through a mutual acquaintance on Fetlife (no longer on at Daddy's request, he's not a fan). So here's my dynamic and query. Do you have much knowledge on European vs. American dominance? And do you have any knowledge of "tribute"?
I love Daddy, he loves me. We actually communicate very well, he always wants to know my feelings, my understanding, me perception. I am in training, I have very little experience. He knows I have some fears, mainly from lack of understanding and experience. I am struggling with the idea of tribute, he knows this. I trust him, so I am submitting. I have asked questions, in the beginning he was patient. The second time, he got a little testy. I voice my concerns one last time, I really tried to verbalize it wasn't about not trusting him but more about just trying to understand the practice and meaning behind it. He says I will understand it more as our relationship grows. He got really upset the last time, we talked through it but he just wasn't really understanding what I needed and took offence. I felt horrible, so I dropped it. I still have so many questions, but now I'm afraid. I don't want to hurt him or make him feel I don't trust him.
His style is just so different than what I was introduced to, so different than anything I've come across on Fet. It's not aggressive, it's not all about sex, it's more about us and our bond, my total submission and his total ownership. I love being his, I just have so many questions.
"Big Hugs" JB
Hi Will, do still write?
Hi Will,
I'm not sure if you're still writing but I was wondering if you could mention/recommend any sites to be able to meet people? I've just moved to the West Coast and am trying to figure out the scene over here.
Fetlife is the best site I know of, but I haven't looked at others in a long while. It's not a dating site, but profiles+friends+discussions. However there are personal ad groups for most metro areas in the US, including the US West Coast.
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