How to Interview a Dom/Master Prospect
Your prince is out there, seeking you, hungering for you, wondering where you are. But crouching between you and him are dozens of frogs and trolls. A few of these are even handsome and well-spoken. And you must wade through them, trying not to get slimed or bitten, before reaching your eventual partner.
Just how are you to discern a poser from a dependable, balanced dominant gentleman? A man with the qualities described in What to Look For ...? You can't see into the past, or read minds, so you have one method of discrimination before you take the risk of investing trust in a prospect: inquisition—you ask him a ton of questions.
It's one of the hardest chores for many submissive women. After encountering a gent she feels intrigued by, she must—although her sub side may already desire his direction—play detective.
Many single subs overlook this phase, and expose themselves to unsavory characters claiming BDSM expertise after a brief online correspondence or phone conversation. Single sub friends of mine have had bad experiences that they might have avoided had they vetted dom candidates more carefully. One was physically mistreated on a first date, another was stalked and had her car ransacked. Thankfully I don't hear such stories that often.
Here then are some tips on the art of investigation...
Be sweet but skeptical. There are relatively few quality, single, monogamous doms in the world. An awful lot of the so-called doms you're likely to turn up (especially on kink sites) are insincere and/or unsafe. Don't give a stranger the benefit of the doubt! Don't grant him more trust than he's earned.
Present your questions as expressions of interest. Your objective is information, but let him see that you're intrigued by him and want to know all about him. And proceed at a relaxed pace, making space for him to query you about things.
Start with instant messaging, from an anonymous webmail account. I like Gmail, as it keeps chat logs. IM is interactive, and you can tell something about the guy from the speed and clarity of his answers. However, plain email may work better than IM via phone, since typing on a tiny screen is slow and error-prone.
Make phone calls without caller-ID. When ready to continue the discussion by phone, make a talk appointment, and place the call yourself, so you can hide your number. From the United States, dial *67 (*mp, think "my privacy") and then his number. Or use Google Talk, Skype, etc.
Re-ask important questions a few times, over time. Many people feel comfortable lying to strangers. Liars frequently don't remember exactly how they answered questions previously, so you'll hear inconsistent responses.
Watch out for B.S. Politely disengage if the guy says any of:
Address me as sir/master/daddy/etc. [that comes later]
You ask too many questions to be a genuine sub.
I'm the dom; I'll decide what to reveal and when.
That question has no bearing on my relationship with you.
Well I really don't blah blah blah... [evasiveness]
Ask about relationships. The most important material you can unearth is his relationship history. Does he say good things about the girls, or does he blame them for things? Some of the topics:
What have been your most significant relationships?
For each one:
- how did you meet?
- when did it end?
- how long did it last?
- why did it end?
- are you still friendly, if not why?
- what did you love about that relationship?
- what about it didn't work for you?
- what are the three most valuable things you learned from it?
- what were the three hardest moments during it?
- what were the three best moments?
- how did you wish she was different?
- how did she wish you were different?
- what were your biggest mistakes of that relationship?
Have you ever met another girl without your partner knowing?
What are your expectations of a partner?
What behavior by a partner most pleases or thrills you?
What behavior by a partner most upsets or frustrates you?
What are your biggest issues/vulnerabilities in life?
- how have those surfaced in recent relationships?
Ask about kinks. You need to know if you have kink-compatibility. Topics:
What are your most important kinks?
- how often do you need them?
Do you enjoy vanilla sex?
What are the five most intense kinky things you've done?
- how did you do aftercare in those cases?
When have you pushed a partner too far?
- how did you deal with those times?
What are your thoughts on safewords?
What are your hard limits?
Have you seen a partner subdrop?
- how did you deal with it?
Have you made rules for a sub?
- what are some examples?
- how have you punished a sub for breaking rules?
Have you read how-to books or taken classes on BDSM?
Ask about deal-breakers. Most people have relationship needs they're unwilling to compromise on. Find out what his are. And discover whether he's compatible with yours! Also don't entertain the fantasy that either of you can change the other to solve deal-breaker issues.
Ask about friends and family. His relationships with people other than ex-partners may be telling.
Who are your closest friends?
- how often do you see them?
- how do you spend time with them?
If you have siblings, are you close with them?
- how do you spend time with them?
- do you have nieces or nephews?
Are you close with your parents?
- what do you like/dislike about them?
Reconfirm the basics. You may think you already know the answers to these, but verify what you know.
How old are you?
What are your height & weight?
Are you married/separated/divorced/single?
Are you seeing anyone?
Are you polyamorous?
Do you have any children?
Are you employed, and in what field?
Do you live alone?
Do you have pets?
How often and how much do you drink?
Do you smoke or do any drugs?
Do you have any history with the law/courts?
Do you own any firearms?
Make up your own questions. There's zillions of other things you'll want to know about a prospective partner, for your own reasons. Ask away!
Be patient. Take the time and care necessary to get to know someone, on many facets of his personality, before you put your well-being in his hands. Avoid being sucked in by D/s Gravity. Don't be afraid to back up or walk away if it doesn't feel right to you. And be persistent; don't let the frogs get you down.
Labels: dating
by Will @ 6:42 PM postlink
51 comments
51 Comments:
This is my very very first time googling about bdsm.
I am glad to come to your blog. I am starting to understand bdsm...very very interesting...thanks for some pointers.
ann
Thank you very much for this post! I consider myself a bottom but have been more and more curious about the D/s dynamic. However, I am terrified of getting involved with the wrong man! It seems like an insurmountable problem, really. Every Dom I have had contact with has eventually revealed himself to be, um, well, problematic – lol
I am going to use your list of questions the next time I find myself talking to a Dom.
Thanks again.
Girl, thanks for the kudos! If you've had romances with tops, have you broached the idea of D/s dynamics with any of them?
Thank you for responding to my comment! How lovely!
The answer to your question is: sort of. And it didn’t work out the way I had hoped :(
Great list! Some would be good even from a vanilla perspective.
Thank you for posting
Love, love, love this! Much is useful for vanilla people seeking a partner as well.
I am in a master/slave relationship, I met this guy and ever since we have been texting each other and talking on the phone trying to know each other, we have been doing this for the past 4 months without any meetings in person. Is this right and how long does a master train a slave for before eventually meeting up. Would really like an answer to my question as am a bit confused.
If you have not met someone in person, I would not say that you are "in a relationship" with him -- let alone his slave! A responsible dom would not attempt any "training" (which is usually just kinky play) before meeting face-to-face, because he can't know whether you're a match before that. See Subs Don't Need Training but Doms Do.
Some game-players have realized they can manipulate newbie subs simply by claiming to be dominant and issuing demands. If you haven't asked him the questions I propose in this article, I suggest you do so. If you have asked but haven't heard clear, consistent answers, you should reconsider investing time in that connection.
Thanks a lot for replying , we first met face to face and ever since he's been texting me every single day and calls me every now and again . Have gone through my training with him and he told me that am well trained now, what I just don't understand is why we haven't meet yet. Have also ask him all the questions above while on the training and he ask loads of questions too . What am confused about is why he hasn't arrange a meeting yet. Can I say we in a relationship or are we not in a relationship.
Have you asked him why he doesn't propose to see you in person? Assuming you're local to each other, I wouldn't call daily texts and occasional calls a "relationship". You can only get close -- and kinky -- with someone by being in their presence regularly, and for meaningful chunks of time. Feel free to drop me email at thejourneyofwill@gmail.com with more details or questions...
Thanks a lot I'll send you an email explaining it more in details. Thanks for your response.
Thank you so much for this post. I have recently wanted to explore the BDSM scene and didn't know where to start. When I joined bdsmsingles.com I was like fresh bait. Every psycho on the internet flocked to me because I was so inexperienced and I am opening to learning.
It has definitely been a learning and sometimes scary experience but I'm still here and trying. I'm sure i'll eventually find a good teacher to help me ease into this.
Thanks again for the post, the questions will definitely help me weed out the crazys :)
Thank you for this post! I am 40 and though I have always considered myself very self aware it was only last year that I finally came to grips with the fact that succeeding in a vanilla relationship was going to be impossible for me. One major catalyst was when my vanilla fiance lost his job and essentially shut down communication at the same time that he began relying on me for all of his direction and motivation and generally acting like a lost, unbalanced beta. I felt disgusted and deceived since he had presented himself since the beginning as a strong Alpha male, protector, provider type and was now showing that this representation had been far from honest though in hind sight I see now that there had been signs from the beginning that I just didn't recognize. Live and learn. Fast forward to present: This January I met a Dom on OKCupid and after a very confusing (for me) two month romance where we both became quite serious I broke it off. I wish I had found your blog before I met him. This post, the one on types of subspace, and the one regarding D/s gravity have all resonated quite a bit with me. There is a possibility of this Dom and I rekindling our relationship down the road. Whether that happens or not, I have concerns about what went wrong because of my inexperience. I would be most grateful if you would consider allowing me to email you with more details to see if you might have any helpful insight. In any case, just being able to tell someone about it would be a great relief. -C
Yes, do feel free to email questions, and I'll reply as time permits! My email address is in the sidebar.
I am 37 years old and have been married for 19 yrs. My husband was my highschool sweatheart and is the only man I have ever known. Our son is now grown and very recently out of the house. I have always been quiet and I do not like arguing or confrontation, I do not nor have i ever had a low self asteem. I have always been confident in who I am and had a healthy sense of self worth. When i was younger the thoght of the word submission was just wrong! So to say I'm confused...... disturbs me slightly. Over the years there has always been small issues in the bed room. His complaints always being the same... I don't take charge. Im not aggressive enough...... In the last several years I have went through a variety of self discoveries. The ones I always find myself struggling with are sexual. I have talked to friends, however all are as simple and for the lack of a better word as boring as myself. Obviously they are no help. I have more or less stumbled onto the whole BDSM verrry recently. Its my reaction to things I've read that has me reaching out..... I would so greatly appreciate any insight. This is the first place I have come across that someone is taking the time to actually respond to questions and comments, with a purpose of helping women protect themselves. So for that thank you. Sue
Thank you so much for this blog. It is really helping me to understand the lifestyle of bdsm. I have been very interested in this for about 10 years not, but didn't know how to go about getting information or seeing just where I fit in. Now I have a better understanding of me and the life. I am in a vanilla relationship, have tried to go a little into bdsm, but my partner is not having it at all. I have always been afraid of how to meet people with this lifestyle, because I was also told this is such a taboo and that real people don't do this. Yes, I am one of those that was very happy when 50 shades came out, it made me feel not so isolated. I came upon your blog through google and I AM SO GLAD I DID. What an education.
Sue, you ask, "I would so greatly appreciate any insight." I'd be happy to offer insights, but it would help to have a specific Q to respond to! :-)
Thank you, for posting this. Reading this has opened up my eyes and my mind. I am now just coming to understand what has been missing in my relationships and what I want in the future.
It is a little scary to admit that I like being submissive, when in the past I have always been the one that has had to be in control of everything. Please keep up the blogs. I really do think it helps people trying to figure out if this right for them.
Hello, and thank you for putting this topic out here. Im 25 and I'm still a virgin. I'm not the typical women. Um the bdsm "world" is what I wanna be in, but I have been told that I would never fit. 1 reason is that I'm a heavy set women 2 that I'm a virgin..I want to know if this is true. And if so why would any of that really matter?
Rosa, apologies for the delayed response. You've really answered your own question; why would virginity or weight prevent you from fitting in with other kinky people? Kinksters look like the rest of the population; they come in all sizes, ages, amounts of experience, etc. Whoever told you that you wouldn't fit either didn't know much about kinky people, or was being unkind.
Some BDSM enthusiasts do prefer to play with people who have prior experience, but there are a lot of kindly kinksters who enjoy sharing their kinks with newbies. As for being a virgin, I suggest you don't share that fact with someone until you get to know and trust them, as there are sadly a lot of players and abusers who seek inexperienced subs to exploit, and so claim to be dominant. See also Online BDSM Dating Tips.
Please Sir, i am really new to this, and i broke one of the above stated rules. The first and only Dom i talked to, in our second mail conversation asked me to call him Sir or Master. i freaked out, told him that. He didn't apologise, not in those exact words. but made it sound like he didn't mean to. so i continued texting. But today in our third conversation he described what he expects from me, and given how new i am to all this that really upset me. Again i was honest about it. He amended by telling me that i where he want this to go. And then asked me to tel him if i want to continue and have that relationship. What should i do now? I find this to be to early for me. Not to say i dont want a D/s relationship, i do. Just not now, so early. What i would like is a mentor, and friends with who i can share this newly discovered me.
AeonRoaSofia, your instincts seem to be good! When seeking a relationship, getting to know someone on vanilla terms is necessary before attempting D/s interactions with them. There's no harm in exchanging visions about the kind of relationship each desires, so you know that you have compatible intentions. But placing demands or expectations on someone you hardly know and have never met is just foolish, or even manipulative.
For a mentor, find someone more experienced in the role you aspire to, another submissive woman in your case. And for friends, only get to know folks who are genuinely interested in getting to know you.
Thank you! This is very helpful!
AeonRoaSofia
I just met someone myself I would like to email u the convo for ur thoughts... I met him @ my job and he is soooo much younger then me but im sooo turned on by him... im not sure if im the submissive type... im doing my research now... I think I am I just need help understanding the difference between freak & sub and are there any limits to being a sub.. pls help
I'm not sure you'll find a reassuring description of "the difference between freak and sub" — any number of kinky people embrace the term "freak" :-)
Of course there are limits; you can define any limits you need to feel safe, and you can redefine them in the future as you better understand your kinky self. More importantly, you should pick a kink partner who cares about your well-being and is sensitive to where you are in the moment.
I wish I had read this before reaching out to any doms.
I felt unafraid and ignorant of the consequences of getting tangled up with the wrong dom. I'll keep the sordid story to myself.
Hi! This is my first time knowing there's a whole lot of community immersing into this kind of lifestyle.. hmnn i still find it hard to think about being one but i feel this tickling in my gut whenever i hear, read and watch bdsm story or sexual plays. I know i'm too ignorant about the truths behind this. I'm afraid that a plain relationship will bore me out. My last relationship ended 3 years ago. Till now i dont feel any attraction to any girls(i'm bisexual) or a guy(i still find myself lured to some men). It confuses me when my body craves the rough kind over the sweet lovemaking. Is it wrong to feel this unknown dark desires? I'm single. I feel like i wont ever find my match. Sometimes i just get off reading bdsm erotic fictions and fantsize that its me doing all those things. I know its pathetic. I dont know what to do :(
Hello and am I ever glad I found this blogg! I have a question that has been bothering me about a recent ecounter. Life story aside, I am fairly new to the sex scene in general, and have always been intrigued by the lifestyle but never really considered myself a sub (definitely not a dom!) until recently. I have done some research and whatnot so while I'm most definitely a newbie, I'm also not completely ignorant. However I am confused about an experience I've recently had. I met L online, talked to him for months before agreeing to dinner face to face. We had many similar interests and hobbies and got along great! then we started talking sex and one thing led to another and I slept with him. In general he behaved like I imagined a Dom to but didn't mention it until he asked if I was a sub later that week. I said no but I was curious about the lifestyle so we discussed some basics, slept together again, then this last weekend we tried some non-vanilla activities and it was fun, to me at least. I crashed, then left in the morning for work. Because he said I should ask questions if I needed to, I asked if I had been any good at playing a sub. Hours later I get "hey [my name], sorry I'm just not feeling it" and nothing else. I asked what the issue was, because I was fairly certain he enjoyed himself, and it was so sudden and out of the blue, but haven't gotten any replies. Did I get douped by a fake, in your opinion, or did I manage to put him off or what? I can handle him being a player but to just suddenly disappear after months of discussions and whatnot was more than a little confusing, especially after all the talking we did about me trying out being a sub. Any hints? thank you for your time!
Well I'm afraid I'm no better at reading his mind than you are! People disappear for all kinds of reasons; maybe he met someone else, rekindled an old flame, or liked you so much that it scared him. And yes, some players have figured out that they can take advantage of newbie subs by claiming to be dominant. All you can really do is interview someone (as discussed above) as you get to know them, and try to spot any red flags before you run into a flagpole :-)
How do I know which dom to chose from ? I am currently under review by one but then another has come along .. I have never had a sub dom relationship before .. The original dom has a temporary sub atm! and says he is currently testing myself against another prospective sub .. do doms usually have subs compete for the roll .. thank you for reading
How you choose: get to know someone well enough to feel excited about being with them! That, of course, takes time. Being "under consideration" (as it's commonly called) is another term for "getting to know you". Some doms ask that you not talk with other doms while you're under said consideration, which is silly if you don't know the gent well enough to start going steady. See also Subs Don't Need "Training", but Doms Do.
As it can be a challenge to find a match in both vanilla and kink aspects, it's not uncommon for kinky people to have play partners, so that might account for the "temporary sub".
Hello Sir, where can I find your email? I am contemplating going into a M/S relationship with a man I met online a few months ago. But you are very experienced and I would like some advice from you! Thank you, Mary Clare
You can message me on Fetlife or email me at thejourneyofwill on gmail.
This brilliant. I've shared it on my author FB page, because I think the word ought to get out. Possibly ALL relationships ought to be addressed in a similar manner! Possibly? Probably!
I had a terrible experience recently that I hope no one goes through.
I have been looking for a link to chat honestly about bad experiences. I am new to BDSM and have spent 4 months just learning as much as possible and being very cautious.
I am also inexperienced sexually because of too many personal responsibilities but am a very sexual girl/woman. I never tried anal sex and did little oral sex. I just realized I am a sub sexually but in the real world am not and have had a career. I always liked dressing sexy however and knew I had a strong sex drive.
My first experience was this. I met the dom online and chatted for several weeks, asking many questions. When we agreed to meet he was rush to try a brief dom/sub sex. I kept telling him most 1st meetings are just talking first. He said I can back out but said 'this is what you want right'? We did light dom/sub sex and then he said he had to go to a graduation and I never heard from him since. I was a virgin with anal sex and we did that.
I have have since felt numb and sick to my stomach and have cried a lot.
I was obviously not informed enough about how to proceed in the beginning.
hello sir
i need to ask this
is it normal for a dom to tell his sub that she cant ask questions and answer back to him when given a task.
i thought it was normal but i wanted to check with someone more experienced than me.
I have found your pages to be very helpful in answering a number of questions for me, Thank You! I have been interested in a D/s relationship for most of my life but didn't actively start looking for a Dominant until recently. I am currently interested in finding a Daddy Dom but am still inexperienced. For the past couple of weeks I have been exchanging texts with someone that interests me greatly. We encountered each other online about a month ago and exchanged pictures and mails for a couple weeks before beginning to text. I am concerned about a number of things:
a) He is very secretive about certain details of his life and I'm not sure what is or isn't appropriate for me to ask. These are mainly in regard to his identity.
b) He says I belong to him even though we haven't met in person and I have read repeatedly that this is not appropriate. What are your thoughts?
c) Do you know of a resource that would give an in depth description of the psychological interaction as it occurs with respect to both sides? I really want to have a better understanding of the feelings this is invoking in me, as well as understanding things from his side. I often feel he has a road map and I do not.
Thank You again for posting so much useful information!
So very helpful - thank you. I am a newbie, well relatively new and appear to have done the classic fall into Gravity. Intense first IM communications, first meeting then first gentle play but then contact has dropped dramatically from the intense head f*** before playing. I'm lucky in that both Doms were gentle/ fairly vanilla in first play so as not to freak me out. However I've found it incredibly hard going from lots of contact, flirtaceous IM to intermittent sporadic IM. Just left me feeling used and flat. If they could before we met why not after? Felt very little emotional aftercare. Is that normal? Am I abnormal in wanting a D/s affair whereby the Dom cares about his sub, how they are feeling post play and wanting to check in to at least say hi once a day. If I'm to give the gift of submission is that too needy/ demanding to want a Dom to want that too?
Thank you! I used these for interviewing a friend of mine last night, and he didn't seem at all upset. He gave me a small taste a few years back but neither of us had much experience with bdsm. This is the first time we have entertained the idea of being in a D/s relationship and it is looking great so far. My only question is how long you should wait after an interview before making a decision?
Thank you so much for this article. I'm curious and have seen myself as a sub. I haven't been in a d/s relationship. Mostly researching and chatting online. Most of the men I've come across immediately start issuing commands. As someone unfamiliar with the lifestyle, I didn't know if this was normal. This article has helped me see the difference between real Doms and men pretending.
I have a question when you ask these questions and he passes them. Then you find out he is not one just a fake. Because he lies then what do you do.
Or when you do find one. Everything is fine for a year then you find out almost everything about this person and he uses woman to buy him epensive stuff phones, tablets, computers and other things, and when he want to
Put a collar on you he makes you buyou it.
Hello, this post was so insightful - I very much enjoyed it. But now I have a lot of questions... I'm so nervous and barely know what to say. A relationship like this sounds like something I would be interested in but I'm not sure and don't know if I should give it a try... I think I am submissive but I'm also stubborn and believe very passionately in equal rights. This must seem like a mess of contradictions and I'm sorry. My hands are shaking as I type this, I am so nervous. I want to get married and have kids some day and I want to be able to confide to my parents about my relationship if I feel in over my head. In this sort of relationship can people get married? Can they have children together and raise them well? Also, I don't want to feel like I always have to put on a show for my significant other. I enjoy just hanging around in my pajamas and don't want to always expect to be made up perfectly. Are any of these contradictions compatible?
Your's is the first post I've read and have felt like I could trust and confide in you.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Jenna
I've just started talking to a dom and realized I did well to back out of a previous trial period. He instead acted like I had to earn my way to knowing more about him, and told me to call him Sir after only a day or two of talking. When I politely backed out, he told me I was just playing games. The dom I'm talking to right now answered a lot of questions I could have had or should have asked, and he's been careful about taking things slow. This helped me see that I've experienced first hand the good and the bad. Thankfully I'm a very cautious person as it is.
Your post has been very helpful I contacted a master online and from the first day he asked me to start calling him master and that he wanted to train me I have no way to see him because he lives in one state and I live a long ways away from him so I felt the best thing to do with end it because based on what I read that we shouldn't even start out the first day that we start talking that I should be required to call him Master he calls me slave and I have to follow all the rules until we've actually met and got to know each other. Is that the best thing to do?
You do others a great service with your blog....
You can make a relationship be whatever you want it to be. Many people in D/s relationships have children and live "normal"lives. You just have to find the right sort of person. Take it very slow.
I am very new to this. Is there a difference between being a submissive and being a slave?
@anonymous
It’s taken me almost 3 years to find a Dom who was perfect for me. I had to learn what my own kinks were and what I needed. It’s important to realize that needs are different from wants. A well seasoned Dom will take take as much time it needs to get to know your needs and wants. He is also looking for someone who can satisfy his needs and wants. Sir and I have a relationship contract listing both of those as well as expectations. We agree to be what we need for each other ( within our limits ) and then we both get what we need as a reward. Communication is key. Ask yourself this: How will a D/s relationship benefit me to make me happy.... safe.... secure...
How will will it affect my overall mental health?
--- these are questions my Dom asked me when we getting to know each other----
I just recently got into the bdsm lifestyle after 40. I very recently met a guy online that claimed to be a Dom. We’ve been talking for three weeks or so now, exchanging videos. But, he still hadn’t mentioned any friends really or if he was single actually. I asked him for his last name and he asked if that was important. Considering we were supposed to meet at my place yes, it was very important. So, I googled to see if that was a normal Dom response. Thank you for the information. It helped confirm I was not asking too much.
Hi I’m a newbie to BDSM scene I’ve found this very interesting and helpful here recently I have met a DOM or at least claims to be online so far so good he answers all the questions I ask we haven’t set a meet up date cause we live in different states which is fine. But I’d love to have feedback on how to proceed with this.
I'm new to and have a dom and would like to be friends and maybe answer any questions I can or help you find the answers and help each other
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