How to Interview a Dom/Master Prospect
Your prince is out there, seeking you, hungering for you, wondering where you are. But crouching between you and him are dozens of frogs and trolls. A few of these are even handsome and well-spoken. And you must wade through them, trying not to get slimed or bitten, before reaching your eventual partner.
Just how are you to discern a poser from a dependable, balanced dominant gentleman? A man with the qualities described in What to Look For ...? You can't see into the past, or read minds, so you have one method of discrimination before you take the risk of investing trust in a prospect: inquisition—you ask him a ton of questions.
It's one of the hardest chores for many submissive women. After encountering a gent she feels intrigued by, she must—although her sub side may already desire his direction—play detective.
Many single subs overlook this phase, and expose themselves to unsavory characters claiming BDSM expertise after a brief online correspondence or phone conversation. Single sub friends of mine have had bad experiences that they might have avoided had they vetted dom candidates more carefully. One was physically mistreated on a first date, another was stalked and had her car ransacked. Thankfully I don't hear such stories that often.
Here then are some tips on the art of investigation...
Be sweet but skeptical. There are relatively few quality, single, monogamous doms in the world. An awful lot of the so-called doms you're likely to turn up (especially on kink sites) are insincere and/or unsafe. Don't give a stranger the benefit of the doubt! Don't grant him more trust than he's earned.
Present your questions as expressions of interest. Your objective is information, but let him see that you're intrigued by him and want to know all about him. And proceed at a relaxed pace, making space for him to query you about things.
Start with instant messaging, from an anonymous webmail account. I like Gmail, as it keeps chat logs. IM is interactive, and you can tell something about the guy from the speed and clarity of his answers. However, plain email may work better than IM via phone, since typing on a tiny screen is slow and error-prone.
Make phone calls without caller-ID. When ready to continue the discussion by phone, make a talk appointment, and place the call yourself, so you can hide your number. From the United States, dial *67 (*mp, think "my privacy") and then his number. Or use Google Talk, Skype, etc.
Re-ask important questions a few times, over time. Many people feel comfortable lying to strangers. Liars frequently don't remember exactly how they answered questions previously, so you'll hear inconsistent responses.
Watch out for B.S. Politely disengage if the guy says any of:
Address me as sir/master/daddy/etc. [that comes later]
You ask too many questions to be a genuine sub.
I'm the dom; I'll decide what to reveal and when.
That question has no bearing on my relationship with you.
Well I really don't blah blah blah... [evasiveness]
Ask about relationships. The most important material you can unearth is his relationship history. Does he say good things about the girls, or does he blame them for things? Some of the topics:
What have been your most significant relationships?
For each one:
- how did you meet?
- when did it end?
- how long did it last?
- why did it end?
- are you still friendly, if not why?
- what did you love about that relationship?
- what about it didn't work for you?
- what are the three most valuable things you learned from it?
- what were the three hardest moments during it?
- what were the three best moments?
- how did you wish she was different?
- how did she wish you were different?
- what were your biggest mistakes of that relationship?
Have you ever met another girl without your partner knowing?
What are your expectations of a partner?
What behavior by a partner most pleases or thrills you?
What behavior by a partner most upsets or frustrates you?
What are your biggest issues/vulnerabilities in life?
- how have those surfaced in recent relationships?
Ask about kinks. You need to know if you have kink-compatibility. Topics:
What are your most important kinks?
- how often do you need them?
Do you enjoy vanilla sex?
What are the five most intense kinky things you've done?
- how did you do aftercare in those cases?
When have you pushed a partner too far?
- how did you deal with those times?
What are your thoughts on safewords?
What are your hard limits?
Have you seen a partner subdrop?
- how did you deal with it?
Have you made rules for a sub?
- what are some examples?
- how have you punished a sub for breaking rules?
Have you read how-to books or taken classes on BDSM?
Ask about deal-breakers. Most people have relationship needs they're unwilling to compromise on. Find out what his are. And discover whether he's compatible with yours! Also don't entertain the fantasy that either of you can change the other to solve deal-breaker issues.
Ask about friends and family. His relationships with people other than ex-partners may be telling.
Who are your closest friends?
- how often do you see them?
- how do you spend time with them?
If you have siblings, are you close with them?
- how do you spend time with them?
- do you have nieces or nephews?
Are you close with your parents?
- what do you like/dislike about them?
Reconfirm the basics. You may think you already know the answers to these, but verify what you know.
How old are you?
What are your height & weight?
Are you married/separated/divorced/single?
Are you seeing anyone?
Are you polyamorous?
Do you have any children?
Are you employed, and in what field?
Do you live alone?
Do you have pets?
How often and how much do you drink?
Do you smoke or do any drugs?
Do you have any history with the law/courts?
Do you own any firearms?
Make up your own questions. There's zillions of other things you'll want to know about a prospective partner, for your own reasons. Ask away!
Be patient. Take the time and care necessary to get to know someone, on many facets of his personality, before you put your well-being in his hands. Avoid being sucked in by D/s Gravity. Don't be afraid to back up or walk away if it doesn't feel right to you. And be persistent; don't let the frogs get you down.