Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Who Is Will and Why Is He an Expert?

I've been asked how I know all these Things You Need to Know; whether they're from my own experiences, or other sources.

Since the autumn of 2006, when I embraced my dom/top side and began seeking a D/s partner, I've discussed BDSM with almost 200 kinky people. Some of those conversations have unfolded over months, or even years, and some have been brief. Most have been online, but a decent chunk have been face-to-face. Most have been submissive women whom I met on dating sites (OKCupid is a good place to find them) and a majority had experience with kink when we connected. In many of these connections I became a source of support and counsel, listening to stories and struggles, and offering insights or advice where I was able.

A few years ago I befriended two doms in San Francisco, one of whom is a leader in the local gay leather community. (He and his slave are a pair of gems!) Our doms' circle has met regularly for dinners ever since, specifically to talk about our romantic paths.

I've learned most of what I know from the above connections, and I've had three D/s relationships myself. The first I happened into when I found myself dancing with a woman in an unusually connected way at a contact improv event, over ten years ago. We began dating, and eventually I discovered she loved pain, and also hated it. It's quite special when kink emerges organically within a duet. My other significant D/s romance was with a woman who was more adventurous than kinky, but with whom I had amazing click very quickly. She agreed to try being my sub, and although it was hard for her often (which was hard on me), we discovered some remarkable places together.

I've also read published and online sources. Different Loving (Brame et al) is an excellent and diverse collection of case studies of kink practices, and still in print after twenty years. The Fetlife discussion forums are occasionally fascinating.

Outside of kink, I've devoted time steadily since my early twenties to personal growth and understanding how the psyche works, especially for relationships. I've participated in men's groups; I've done structured peer counseling; I've read cognitive science. I've wrestled with my own issues, and those that arose in vanilla and kinky relationships. I've made a lot of mistakes, and examined them at length.

I've also done a lot of partner dancing, and found that to lead, I have to listen to my follower with my body and eyes, and that how I lead and what springs from it varies a lot with each partner and the moment. The very same concept applies to leading a lover in a more encompassing way.



At July 08, 2013 9:13 AM, Blogger tina said...

I love your blog very enlightening!!!

At March 27, 2014 9:51 PM, Blogger lovingloo said...

I wanted to post a link on my fet to a few of your blogs is this ok ??

At March 28, 2014 1:56 AM, Blogger Will said...

You're welcome to post links to articles here, and if you like, include a short excerpt (paragraph or less) from the article along with the link. Thanks for asking!

At April 24, 2014 2:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have emailed you as I need to talk out a heavy situation about my partner. But I wanted to leave a comment. As I am not in a D/s relationship but, through circumstance, needed to find out about the scene. I have read a lot over the past few days but finding your blog has given me a great understanding of the emotional ties, which is where I am seeking advice. Thank you so much.

At April 24, 2014 3:40 AM, Blogger Will said...

I don't think I've received your email yet; if you sent it already, could you recheck the address and try again?

At August 26, 2014 8:58 AM, Blogger Sophia Johansson said...

Hi Will thank you for expertice...I appreciate it a lot. I am very new with BDSM and have just met a dom. Wonder about initiative to a closer relationship, should I or is it totally up to the dom?

At October 01, 2014 5:10 PM, Blogger Will said...

Hi Sophia, apologies for the slow reply; busy weeks at work lately... In the opening stages of a relationship, feel free to take any initiative that feels right to you! Once inside a D/s partnership, if you agree that the initiative falls within the dom's role, so be it. Personally, I admire a sub who can take initiative when she senses the need.

At November 24, 2014 12:04 AM, Blogger Melony Martinez said...

Hi how do i message you? I have alot of questions that i dont feel can be answered in just the comments.

At November 24, 2014 12:36 AM, Blogger Will said...

You can reach me via Fetlife (see right sidebar on my home page) or thejourneyofwill on gmail

At September 28, 2015 8:33 PM, Blogger Eric Baldwin said...

And to think that while reading this entire post I was wondering if your use of the word "expert" in the title was ironic. The comment about "partner dancing" sealed the deal. What does, partner dancing, exactly, have to do with BDSM? This is what I'd like to know more about. And what do you talk about at these dinners of yours where romantic paths (or should i say 'journeys') are discussed? I'll also bet it's very frustrating to have angry, dismissive people post on your comment section. The real test will be if this comment goes live. My apologies to the readers who were just here to learn from an expert.

At November 14, 2017 11:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Partner dancing has everything to do with life. Period. Your ability to lead anyone in life lies not only in his/her ability to follow but in your ability to find the best way to help him/her follow. This only happens by listening and observing. Science at its nature is a choreographed dance that we learn together as people. The simple touch of a man's hand on a woman's hip telling her where he wants her body to go in 3.2.1. Deepens a connection to such a subtle synchronization, I really don't know there are many better ways to describe BDSM. Just because your mind is closed doesn't make this ironic. The world is still round.


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