The Dangers of Dom/Sub Gravity

There is a phenomenon of compelling—or irresistible—but groundless attraction that may occur between a dom & sub early-on in their interactions. I call this D/s Gravity. It must be resisted, as it will probably pull one or both of you into a crash landing in unknown terrain.

A dom friend of mine once described one of his first D/s relationships: After meeting, he and this sub fell promptly into master and slave roles, and disappeared into her apartment in Manhattan, sustaining their kinky dynamic around the clock. After a few weeks (neither had a 9-5 job) they somehow surfaced back to their respective vanilla modes, and promptly discovered that they had nothing in common! There the relationship ended, as abruptly as it began.

Just because you have kinky click with someone doesn't mean they're a match for you in any other way. And you absolutely need general chemistry and compatibility to sustain a relationship. It's therefore essential that you verify these before you get kinky with a stranger! OK, that seems obvious reading it here, but it won't be when you meet some attractive devil who proposes to sink his pearly-white teeth into you, or the other way round.

D/s Gravity can emerge before the pair meet face-to-face, by phone or even instant-messaging. (It may, of course, evaporate in the first meeting if real-life chemistry is missing.) Gravity is a risk for both newbies and experienced folks alike; the more hunger you feel for the rich texture of a D/s romance, of giving/taking control, the more susceptible you are to a Gravity event. On the sub's part, falling into psychological subspace (see Subspace article) makes Gravity more intense, for both parties. It may seem to her as if this particular dom is inducing her altered state, when in fact he's merely a catalyst for a process native to her own mind. It may seem to him as if she's inspired to submit by his mere presence, and he may respond to that apparent wish that he take control.

Many players, who wish to take without giving but hide their intentions, will claim dominance and take advantage of D/s Gravity to have their way with a sub, then quickly move on to the next girl. Players are more readily encountered than sincere romantic gentlemen. A bit of healthy, initial skepticism will help a sub recognize when she's being played.

You should avoid or at least resist Gravity events. Firstly, don't play D/s games by phone or text before you meet in-person. A bit of flirting is fine and fun, but giving/taking orders is inappropriate. After meeting, if you're inclined to build a lasting relationship, start off doing activities that you're both into, outside the bedroom. I like to get familiar with a girl by going out dancing. Partner dance affords opportunities for small D/s gestures — how I lead, how I touch her — without providing a setting for serious control or kink.

A responsible dom will realize that Gravity is a risk, and deliberately guide discussion and interaction towards establishing vanilla chemistry and compatibility. He may flirt in kinky terms, but he won't pull the girl into fantasies. He will guide her out of subspace if she falls into it. A responsible single sub realizes her first duty is to herself and her future "owner", and not some intriguing but largely unknown gent who labels himself dominant. She should never take orders or requests from some dude just "because I'm the dom and you're the sub". The formal term for such claims is "B.S."