Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Why Doms & Subs Should Not Date Vanilla People

To be perfectly honest... I often wish I wasn't romantically and sexually dominant. I'm single, and regularly meet attractive, vibrant, vanilla girls who think I'm an awesome dancer and appealing gent and want to get to know me. Alas, I cannot date any of these gals and expect it to go anywhere; I know, because I have tried.

A few weeks ago, a reader posted a comment on this predicament:

... A man I feel deep feelings for recently told me he's been a Dom for over 25 years — which freaked me out a little, to be honest. He is 10 years older and we have a great deal in common. Intellectually he is unlike any man I have ever known, and our connection, interaction, attraction, and compatibility are almost magical. My issue mostly is that I am not what anyone would consider submissive ... Even worse, I cannot imagine anyone thinking I would be submissive in the full sense of the word. Yes, there are few things (I think) I would decline to do with this man because I think he's simply amazing, but on the other hand, I don't think I could allow him to actually hurt me, or humiliate me. I'm definitely not turned on by things like that.

I responded to her that, from my own hard experience, the two of them should go separate ways; that each of them would be far more fulfilled by a partner who would love them they way they need to be loved.

Five years ago I fell in love with... let's call her Amanda. She was a wonderful dancer, tall, thin, curvy, with an expressive face that was stunning when she beamed, which she did constantly. Her romantic nature was giving and devoted, and sexually adventurous. We had delightful chemistry from the first moments, and I fell for her rapidly. The second or third time we got together, I told her I'm a dom, and what that means. She replied that she was open to any mutually fulfilling erotic explorations. And suddenly we were spending as much time together as possible.

But giving and devoted and in-love do not add up to submissive; sexually adventurous is not kinky per se. Love does not, it turns out, conquer anyone or anything; it merely makes you believe passionately that you should try, and damn the consequences. Our relationship was delightfully intense, and we took some remarkable excursions, both within the bedroom and beyond it. But ultimately neither of us could give the other what they needed in romance. She could not embrace, or even comprehend, my need to see her suffer in any sexual situation. During the last half of an eighteen month relationship, we had virtually no sexual contact, just periodic platonic snuggling. Given how much we loved, and wanted, each other, that was heart-breaking, daily.

I'll note that one may draw the line between "vanilla" and "kinky" differently. I would not call it kink when partners include occasional light bondage or barehanded spanking in their sex life. To me, kink implies high, sustained physical and/or psychological intensity, which the partners crave regularly. Such intensity usually demands a recovery period, which may include focused care immediately following the experience.

It's tough being a kinky single, especially if, like me, you seek the deep bond which D/s and S&M engender between committed partners — versus alternative sex with whatever curious creature crosses your path, which is easier to arrange. Searching for someone with whom you share compatibility in both kink and vanilla terms can be disheartening, as there's such a small pool of people who both share your kinks, and would also love your everyday personality. The loneliness that results from this dearth of possibility drives some of us to attempt relationships with vanilla people, simply because they're so much easier to find, and flirt with, and fall for. This is a mistake.

It won't feel like a mistake initially. It's exhilarating to feel deeply connected to someone, to see into another's soul, and feel intimately seen by them. But as in any new coupling, it's essential to recognize the difference between infatuation and mutual understanding. The former flares up immediately, the latter unfolds over time. And what unfolds over time in a kinky-vanilla pairing is misunderstanding, disappointment, frustration.

Some submissive women I've talked to who've dated vanilla guys have said that they've found themselves actually taking the lead in those relationships. I surmise that's because they're keenly aware of the value of authority in partnership, and so attempt to fill that vacuum, even though it makes them uncomfortable or even disdainful of their partner.

But suppose you don't discover that you're kinky until... after you're married. I've talked with a few women in this situation. Being married doesn't predispose your partner to being dominant or submissive with you any more than being in love does, even though this seems like the most natural thing in the world, at least for the kinky party. But you do have options here, besides shelving your D/s desires or separating. A surprising number of folks I've spoken with have kink partners alongside a vanilla marriage, with the consent of their spouse. Obviously this requires the spouse to be open-minded and flexible! Another angle is finding some kinky practices which the vanilla partner enjoys. It's not hard to create that sustained physical and psychological intensity I've referred to with someone you know well. And of course some choose to indulge their desires outside the marriage without telling, although this entails significant risk to the relationship.

Based on the conversations I've had with innumerable kinky people over the past seven years, I'm prepared to assert that appetites for dominance, submission, or sadomasochism are innate, not acquired. Many of my sources report becoming aware of deviant desires in childhood, before attaining any education on sex. Vanilla folks simply don't experience a thrill in wielding control over a partner, or yielding it; the roles feel awkward. True, you can awaken latent desires in someone who is kinky but hasn't had partners to explore it with. (Although in our era of diverse and abundant kink porn and erotica, where a D/s romance trilogy became a runaway best seller, the number of people harboring quiet cravings for D/s is dwindling.) But you can't teach someone you love to become dominant or submissive; you need someone who was born this way.

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78 Comments:

At August 08, 2013 6:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I only knew and listen to my friend. He kept on telling me I might be interested in S&M. sigh.

Don't get me wrong. I do love my husband but unfortunately he doesn't like role playing. I think if he let me be a "DOM" for few times I think it will satisfy my "curiosity". He say it hurts when I hit him...hahahaha. Geez! After few days he show me the black & blue. Laughing. In the meantime I am "stuck". I doubt he will like the idea unless he "cheats" on me.

I will be patience...but thanks for this post.

Annie (NJ)

 
At August 08, 2013 6:52 PM, Blogger saturn2013 said...

Hi Thank you for writing this. I'm still pretty new to all of this but I can see how it could cause a problem. :)

 
At August 12, 2013 5:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a very helpful and important article. As a submissive, I've tried over and over to make a relationship work with non-kinky folks. I've tried to settle for a little light kink in the bedroom once a month. I've even taking the role of authority in a vanilla relationship like this article mentions. This made me and the other person very unhappy. I've realized that I can't diminish my sexual and relationship needs.

I also really appreciate how the author warns about sexually adventurous partners. Sexually adventurous is NOT the same as kinky! I fell into this trap with someone I was dating. I was thrilled that this person wanted to do kinky things with me, even if it meant I was switching (See? Trying to settle for less than my needs) most of the time. After a year, with the sex becoming increasingly more vanilla, my partner flat out told me, "No more kinky sex." I was heart-broken. Seems that person wasn't really kinky.

Seriously, heed these wise words. I'm not willing to settle for less anymore, I'm being upfront about being a submissive and the kind of relationship I want, and suddenly kinky people are coming out of the woodwork!

 
At August 17, 2013 4:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This hits so close to home. I've been with my husband for 8 years and we've mutually explored the kinky side of me over the past year. But at his core I know he's not Dominant and never will be. He can act it out just fine I suppose, but I don't truly feel it.
He naturally defers to me, putting me in the dominant position in nearly everything no matter how much I encourage him NOT to do that. But at the same time, I feel like I have to take over and do everything myself (I'm talking about our day to day life) and I wish he was the Dom that I need in my life. I need someone to take care of and nurture that side of me. I'm very independent and capable of taking care of myself and willing to do so. I just wish I didn't have to.
I wish so much that he was the type of Dom I fantasize about and that I could let myself be who I am, instead of living out of realistic necessity because there is no other option. I'm not willing to end our relationship out over my own selfish needs and I certainly won't be unfaithful to him so it would seem that I have to settle for this and hope for the best.

 
At August 20, 2013 9:02 AM, Blogger David F. said...

"I'm prepared to assert that appetites for dominance, submission, or sadomasochism are innate, not acquired" - I sincerely believe that I could quote you on this.

However, I myself did the opposite whole my life. Though, to tell the truth, if I were single man now I would follow your advice and look for a woman who is clearly submissive.

Just to go back for a second, whole my life I was more or less successful in turning my vanilla girlfriends into more or less motivated submissives. That is how I got married to my wife at the end. She didn't know anything about the D/s before she met me, and now she is almost a perfect sub. And when I think back, when she became one I decided to marry her.

Before her, I did initiate more than a few women into the kink and lifestyle. But I also had rather many painful separations. I had to break relationships with women who were a great match to me because they could not see themselves as submissives.
Bottom line, thank you for this great post. I believe that you are right in practically all the points. And some of your observations further prove you right.

 
At August 27, 2013 1:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello
Read all your posts today. I enjoyed reading your journey & learning along with you :)
Thank you.

 
At September 09, 2013 4:18 AM, Anonymous Leanna said...

Hello,

BDSM was my first introduction to porn- I think I was 12 or 13 when I found a ‘dungeon’ website- for a while I think I thought all kinds of sex looked like that, and BDSM was pretty much what I envisioned as a norm. As time passed, I think I ‘conditioned’ myself to increasingly rougher porn- I’m 18 now and I literally cannot get myself off on anything other than very rough sex or bondage. I cannot envision myself in a relationship without BDSM (be it the TPE variety or in small doses)

And it is this exact problem that has prevented me from getting into a long-term relationships. I know I’m only 18, and that I shouldn’t dismiss partners just because there’s a possibility they’re not into the stuff I’m into, but I don’t know how to tell if people are interested in BDSM, and I don’t think I can be in a relationship with someone who isn’t-my problem is that “Hey, would you be ok with being my Dominant” isn’t exactly a thing that you’d ask someone! To top this off i’m also a virgin- I don’t even know if I should be *sure* that I am confident of wanting BDSM in my life, at some point in the future.

Any advice is welcome and much appreciated :)

 
At September 09, 2013 9:31 AM, Blogger Will said...

Leanna, it sounds like the BDSM porn you found as an adolescent awakened your kinky self. I think the earlier one discovers that, the more likely you are to have fulfilling relationships as an adult.

Raising the topic of kink with someone you're interested is a lot easier since the runaway success of "50 Shades of Gray". Now you can simply ask, "Hey, why do you think those books sold so well?" If the someone knows what unfolds in the stories, and has positive opinions about that, it's a good indication you should keep digging. Another leading topic is gender roles in marriage, e.g. comparing contemporary practices with the 1950s and even Victorian era -- "Have you heard that some modern couples enjoy a 1950s (or Victorian) lifestyle?"

I hesitate to suggest online sources for someone with limited dating experience... But have you tried Fetlife and OKCupid as a way to connect with people? (See also Online BDSM Dating Tips.)

Regarding your lack of sexual experience, I think it's unlikely that your fantasies are leading you in the wrong direction. As far as kink goes, they seem to be a good guide to one's interests/needs.

 
At September 17, 2013 8:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh this was disheartening...my bf of over 4 years recently told me he'd been into kink for over a decade. And I had no idea. So now I'm left with all these feelings of betrayal and frustration while we try to figure things out. Since he "confessed" we've been a lot more open but I'm paranoid he'll leave for someone in the lifestyle. I'm giving it more time (we have a child together) so maybe we'll be the exception! :/

 
At October 20, 2013 10:10 PM, Blogger tri4me said...

I appreciate your honesty and have to agree. My issue as a single female is trying to figure out when to let someone know I have these desires. It seems once any type of sex is mentioned that is all they think about. For someone like me who wants a long term relationship that includes D/s it is dis-heartening.
I am going to go back to read more of your blog. I just found it searching for types of Doms for someone.

 
At October 28, 2013 5:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had written a lengthy reply - as a sub no longer willing to settle for a non Dom man, it is lonely. But it is better than being in a relationship that has no chance of being truly fulfilling for either partner.

 
At November 08, 2013 2:33 AM, Anonymous Crystal Alison said...

i am in a relationship with a wonderful man who loves me and is perfect. he even cooks for me, takes care of me and is great in bed(for someone who just likes vanilla sex), but i am feeling so frustrated.

i am a sub female, have been since i started having sexual fantasies at pre-teen and maybe even before then too. when i was a kid and there was a boy i like, i would let him catch me at tag just to feel grab roughly (small details like that). before i even know how most people had sex or were intimate with each other i imagine fantasies with some rope and choking or some type pain involved and this to me was not a bad fantasy.

Now i am with this man who if i am lucky will spank me and put his hand on my throat. i have talked to him about it but he has says things like "we'll get there" or gives me a awkward expression that says "wow!". we have been together for three years with him knowing what i want. i feel so guilty and dirty for even bringing up with him and pressuring him. i have stopped requesting to not pressure him but i feel so frustrated. i don't know what to do other than try to forget how i am, but then i do shit like look up the BDSM poor or look for advise on how to deal with this on the internet and find this blog.
one of my guy friends one time said as a joke "hey if u dare i'll freakin tie u up" when i was pretending like i was going to spill soda all over him. i got arouse then later when i was alone felt guilty about it and cried. things like that shouldn't make you cry.
i found that i don't want to be around as much and i have been doing things behind him. if he find me watching the BDSM porn he would not be happy and say that i am getting too much into the weird sex and should prob watch the normal porn. i hav recently put up a account in fetlife but would never cheat on him ever i just wanted to see what was there and if there was any advice i could get. i really don't know what to do. maybe i can just find a way to not want it anymore(hypnotist, trying over time)? has anyone succeeded in vanilla/kink relationship?

 
At November 08, 2013 3:21 AM, Blogger Will said...

Crystal, beyond what's in the article, I don't have further advice for you. But Shakespeare does: "This above all: to thine own self be true."

And I think perhaps you've already decided what to do, but not yet admitted it to yourself...

 
At November 18, 2013 7:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I've been with my bf for 9 months this week, actually.. He's submissive... And I'm his Dominant and Mistess... I guess I was "Vanilla" or still am, but I'm definitely finding out that I really enjoy being Dominant... Some of it has been really intense... Bc of the Kink we do... It's not the lifestyle, as I don't think I could handle it, just in the bedroom... And we both love it... I also have a fetlife profile... I'm under BeautifulXoXo. :) Check me out if you want! :)

 
At November 18, 2013 9:34 AM, Blogger Will said...

BeautifulXoXo, if being your boyfriend's domme or top is satisfying for how it makes you feel, versus how it makes him feel, then I'd guess your kinky relationship will be sustainable. And if this romance doesn't extend into eternity, you may find yourself seeking a similar role in future relationships. First contact with a kinky partner is how many of us discover a latent taste for kink...

 
At December 14, 2013 9:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amen ...
I concur 100% with your point of view.
I'm a married man in the mid 40's... Love my vanilla wife for 20 years but shelving my true D nature is very painful. It is like living life at third or less than I'd like to.

I remember recognizing the "kink bite" way before adolescence... Sometimes I think of it as a curse but it is what I am...

 
At December 22, 2013 3:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have no idea how happy this article made me. Thank you for writing this. I found your site through google and I'm certainly looking forward to browse through everything else with given time.

I've dated vanilla men and well, there's always something that keeps us apart despite the great chemistry. I know now that it's always because of me as I always want more than what vanilla men could offer. I too learned, albeit painfully each time, that love doesn't conquer everything.

I think there are so many occasions when a person who's not mature enough and have low self-esteem think that they could be happy if they change who they are as a person in order to be accepted. Things would obviously blow up sooner or later. Again, I can say this because I've experienced it. But I wouldn't take back any of those past relationships because they all had made me grow and be a better person. I'm a much happier person today than I was back in my adolescent years. I now have a pretty good idea of what I expect for in a partner, which makes me happy and sad at the same time.

It is difficult to be a single submissive woman as I know it is difficult for you to be a single Dom. It does get lonely but I would rather wait because I believe that when the time and place is right, I know that I will find him.

It's soooo nice that this is not just another site that only details graphic BDSM sex. I love exploring the psychology part of relationship as it fascinates me. Thank you for writing and sharing your insights and feelings. And please keep writing! =)

T

 
At December 27, 2013 6:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This rings true for me, "Sexually adventurous is NOT the same as kinky! " I thought it was the same. I am not a prude, have been pretty adventuresome sexually, so when my BF said he was kinky I thought I knew what he meant. Clearly I did not, early in our non-sexual relationship the reference he made to a woman he "played with" had no meaning either. As soon as we became sexual and I brought up being exclusive he told me about his Dominant role with this woman. I am not and can never be submissive and like others here have been the victim of physical and sexual abuse. The thought of violence and pain getting him aroused is revolting. I tried to understand, I can't and I see only frustration and sadness in my future. I was momentarily delusional thinking that if he cared enough he wouldn't need to dominate a woman… from what I read here I was wrong. It is painful to say goodbye to someone I care about and enjoy. We are done!!

 
At January 01, 2014 4:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know this is late. I've only just found this blog and think it's fantastic!
In reply to the poster above, oh! Do I feel your pain!
I'm in the same position myself, after recently leaving a long-term (not kinky enough by half) relationship. I have the same trouble with the men I meet, and I'm also sick of being 'My First Submissive' for guys who become progressively more vanilla.

 
At January 01, 2014 5:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I'll try again, I pressed publish way too soon...

So, if you (Will) or anyone else have any ideas, I'm all ears, thanks!


 
At January 10, 2014 11:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

In every article I've read about bdsm lifestyles, it mentions that people are born with it, just as this article does. And if anyone protests that reasoning, it is because they are experience in their position(sub/dom) and have "awakened" their other half.
But do you think it is possible for two inexperienced lovers to explore this? Recently, my partner revealed that he is interested in domination(having only researched it online). After I did my own research and dispelled all of my previous biases, I started to realize that many of the thinks that get me excited or make me happy are in line with the submissive personality. We've tried a few little baby steps and so far have enjoyed them. Do you think it is possible that we could make a sub/dom relationship or do you think we are just adventurous?

 
At January 11, 2014 2:33 AM, Blogger Will said...

Yes, I think it's perfectly reasonable for lovers who are inexperienced with kink to explore it together. Just make sure you both do some research on new interests before diving into them. As they say, "Safety is no accident!"

Do you need to know right now what your explorations will reveal about yourself? I'd urge you to do what feels arousing and bonding, and ponder what to call it later. Enjoy the process of discovery, wherever it leads. See also Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self.

 
At March 03, 2014 8:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That makes my heart hurt. Guess im shelving it. :-(

 
At March 22, 2014 9:28 AM, Blogger vanilla.influx said...

i have 2 questions for any men/women out there: i am female/str8
1) how do you spot a kinky man? not the arrogant player who thinks throwing you around the bed and slapping you twice is oh-so-kinky but the man who is willing to go beyond vanilla and truly play the part. i find most just pretend to be kinky in order to justify rough but passionless sex.
2) is it possible for a good man who is into bdsm to have a life-long relationship with a woman who is submissive to him? will be respect her despite engaging in forceful/degrading activities in the bedroom? how do you reconcile treating your woman as a slave and then kissing her good morning?
thanks for any replies-

 
At March 24, 2014 2:44 PM, Blogger Will said...

vanilla.influx, you ask "How do you spot a kinky man?" I'm not sure you can sight them from a distance, but when you meet someone and discover chemistry with him, you can bring up the topic of kink in clever ways, for instance asking his take on the 50 Shades books and why he thinks they sold so well. Next you ask, "How do you reconcile treating your woman as a slave and then kissing her good morning?" Any person is a diverse collection of beliefs and behaviors, and contradictions among them are inevitable. For more, see Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self.

 
At April 08, 2014 5:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a straight female submissive and I have tried vanilla relationships but they never last. i tend to get bored and the sex well...i'm sorry but it really is bad! so these days i am in a D/s relationship but he is married however we have wonderful but rare play dates...he is in a vanilla marriage and i am single. i view it as a little fantastic is better than a lot of bleh!
haha as far as 50 shades of grey, if he says he liked the book i would probably run, because i hated it! it portrayed the BDSM community as people that needed to be fixed, if he agreed with me or had a similar viewpoint i would be very interested in him :)
Funny thing about all of this is, is the Dom who basically showed me who i was and made me realize i was a sub, is about ready to marry a vanilla woman! he told me that they pretend they are fucking another person, i hope it works for him but somehow i see hearts breaking really soon.

 
At April 22, 2014 7:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't run from what you enjoy, indulge in it. You will be free one day.

 
At May 22, 2014 7:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog has great information and insight.
I am new to the whole D/s lifestyle. Your blog has some awesome advice. Thank you for posting your ideas, experience, and words of widsom. I know a few people that could benefit from reading your blog.

 
At May 25, 2014 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im really struggling I was/am sexually adventurous and was vanilla till i met my partner of 3 years, he was a submissive but his main relationships were with vanilla women. I played at dom and sub and he is sub but mostly doms with me, but we hardly ever have sex, every 6 weeks, when we have normal sex he seems uninterested and only maintains a hard on because i do stuff that to keep it that way ( squeeze it really hard at his base) for a year and a half everytime I have tried to initiate sex it has been no but then he tweaks my nipples or whatever but my self esteem is so low now he has never really looked at me with desire so physically/visually I know he isn't attracted to me (i'm not a latex model) and mentally I'm not a real dom my heart is hurting because despite talking and his reassurance that he desires me he shows no passion or desire for me except very very occasionally when drunk or when he is aroused when in his cat suit but this feels like it has nothing to do with me and us, our passion.

 
At May 25, 2014 1:12 PM, Blogger Will said...

If your frustration or disappointment has reached the point where you're reaching out for help, it's probably time to re-evaluate the relationship. Ask yourself why you've continued in it, what its benefits and downsides are, whether those benefits make it worth the downsides...

 
At May 31, 2014 2:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just got out of an 18 month relationship which was vaguely centered around power play. He knew that I was submissive in nature and since he was rough and could satisfy my need for dominating sex it worked well for a while... But in the end he didn't feel like a dominant. I was eager and always trying to bring new ideas to the table, and instead of trying to take control of those ideas or take control of me he felt like he wasn't in charge because I was the one starting everything. What was worse was that, as it was mentioned in this article, I topped him from time to time. That simply wasn't satisfying for me, not really. It aroused me but it didn't feel right and afterwards I felt weird. I'm not even completely sure of how kinky I truly am simply because I've never had a chance of having someone truly take control of me in a knowledgeable and patient manner. And now I have entered into a simply sexual relationship and although my partner is willing to explore and take a rougher approach to sex, thanks to this article I realized that this will wane and not last, and won't be as satisfying as a true dom/sub relationship would be. Being young and single in a college of people who are only exploring and trying things out is exciting... but also disheartening.

 
At June 04, 2014 10:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I had only realized this 12 years ago. And from my personal experience. You will wakeup one day. You will keep trying to bury this part of yourself. It will always feel like a piece of you is missing. You can try and you can make it work. But you live an exist of constant frustration. That makes you like. it is a betray to person you are suppose to be loyal.

 
At June 08, 2014 12:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank so much for your encouraging words. I have always known I was different. Ever since I was 5 I wanted to help. I have constantly been taken for granted by my family, community while volunteering, and of course all of my relationships. For many years I haven't been able to understand why others do not help the way I do. I never said anything but felt sorry for them so I would try even harder to make up for what they couldn't do. I have been single 7yrs now because of bad choices that I do not want to repeat. The past 3 years I became self destructive by letting my body be sold and I was constantly in dangerous situations. I couldn't understand how I let this happen and so quickly. When I began my research on my feelings is when the sun came out. I finally understand who I am and all the pieces are coming together. But now I'm fighting urges to serve and it's painful. I need guidance and have none. I have been looking for a strong man in the vanilla world but am just so frustrated. I am scared to communicate with a Dom because my body trembles. I do not want to be fooled by a Master because I may not heal for a long time. I am overwhelmed but you gave peace of mind with your words and I will sleep. Thank you. Sincerely, Vida

 
At June 08, 2014 8:50 AM, Blogger Terry said...

I've been avoiding this discussion for a while. I've had strong submissive/masochist desires since I was a little boy. I was always ashamed of it. I tried to evade asking to be dominated by women. I always thought that if I suppressed these feelings, they'd eventually go away. Ironically, the more I try to avoid them, the stronger the urges become. If I avoid any thoughts on this for long periods of time, I go through a frenzy of doing things to myself every day for about a week. Now, I'm ten years married to a woman who has no interest in this. I have no idea what she really thinks about it all because we don't talk that much, period. She has accepted that it's apart of me because she's caught me doing these things to myself and I tried to tell her before we married. I guess it doesn't throw her off enough to leave me. I've loved her since the day I met her. Leaving her over this now would seem wrong as we've grown used to eachother and we depend on eachother in other ways. She doesn't want any sex anymore and I'm overloaded with my needs. As a rational person who sources out all my issues at the root, I've come to accept this as a part of who I am. I have to act on it or I will lose mind. Sucks

 
At June 09, 2014 11:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I read this with great interest. I had a recent experience that being submissive which lead me standing on the edge of a precipice not knowing why or how. I have been struggling since to understand whether I am submissive as a victim of my sexual history or because it was innate. I've just started to join the dots. I'm so relieved to begin thinking that I'm not a victim with a consequential desire to be a submissive. I gave myself to those situations when I was younger because I am submissive, I wanted to submit to my desires, my lust. The fact that no-one pleased me made no difference. I've avoided sex for 21 years not because, as I previously thought, I am virtuous or loyal to some ideal guy I've never met, but because vanilla sex doesn't have the power over me that it has over vanilla women. I'm beginning to see the light. I don't feel ashamed and I think the fear is receding.
Thank you.
Jemaplay
Derbyshire

 
At June 11, 2014 3:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found this post and it something that really hits home with me.

I've been with my partner for 6 years, he's wonderful and not entirely vanilla but he isn't a Dom. When we met I had just gotten out if a bad relationship and I need to be with someone who would demand anything from in the relationship. I love him, he's an amazing person we have a wonderful relationship.... but he isn't a Dom. We've spent the last two years goingvng back and forth with this...he tries for me but it's never quite there. I've taken the lead throughout our relationship and now I just can't see him as my Dom.

He's not willing to let me try a Ds relationship outside of ours (yet)... I don't think he ever will be. He's kinky but not a Dom. I can't imagine my life without him, I adore him and he is truly an amazing person.

I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him. I also don't want to be wrong and lose him for something I may not end up being to take how I imagine it.

 
At June 12, 2014 2:31 PM, Blogger Will said...

Vida, I'd suggest you find kinky confidants by befriending some other submissive women. Fetlife is a good source for such folks; see the regional discussion forums for your area. Also, given the "self destructive" behavior you've been through, a kink-aware therapist could be a big help. You don't have to go into details of your D/s desires with a counselor, but you at least want them to be OK with BDSM sexuality.

 
At June 14, 2014 6:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As so many others have said, thank you for such an open and honest post. I'm in my late twenties and have been married to my amazing husband for 2 years (together for 6). I suppose that deep down I've always known that I'm a sub. It's funny that other people mention playing tag because I have a very vivid memory of doing the same thing and trying to get the boy who caught me to tie me up with my skipping rope. Too bad I ignored the signs all along.

Now I'm married to an amazing man who isn't a Dom. The most I've gotten is a light spank or hair pull. Don't get me wrong, I haven't tried playing a true sub role yet, but mainly because I've been shut down by my husband when I bring it up. It makes me want to broach the subject of possibly having a Dom outside of the relationship, but how do you bring that up without crushing your partners self-esteem?

L

 
At June 15, 2014 12:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

20+ years as a submissive Daddys girl. This is my second time trying to go vanilla because of how heart breaking the ending of my Ds relationships have been.. After a year now.. I just can't keep trying to be vanilla.. but not sure I even want to try to wade the Dom waters again..

 
At June 18, 2014 11:00 AM, Blogger Will said...

L, you write that you "want to broach the subject of having a dom outside of the relationship, but how do you bring that up without crushing your partners self-esteem?" It's a delicate subject, indeed. You might be able to couch the concept as a way to exercise your inner masochist, in SM sessions that would preclude actual sex. Kink play partnerships often have parameters like that.

 
At July 03, 2014 9:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, what if you're somewhere between vanilla and sub? See, I'm not into serious discomfort, humiliation, ropes, or blindfolds...but I am only turned on by a very sexually dominant man. I find that vanilla guys tend to want me on top. I don't like being on top- ever. But Dom guys want to use tools and props, and that doesn't turn me on at all. What I want is an extremely masculine man who will push me down, hold me down, pull my hair and give me what I want by taking what he wants. It has to be organic- no props. I can't seem to explain that to anyone. *sigh*

 
At July 04, 2014 3:54 PM, Blogger Will said...

What you're describing is often called a "sensual dominant" (as opposed to "sadistic dominant"), and they certainly exist. However they may think of what they like as rough sex more than dominance. Knowing whether you want such a guy to dominate you in ways outside the bedroom as well as within it would be helpful in your search for him.

At the end of the day, most of us form a lasting relationship based on chemistry and general compatibility, more than specific sexual interests. You can certainly ask a new lover to start with just his bare hands. But assuming you have magic together, don't rule out most forms of kink before you know how it feels to try them with him.

 
At July 04, 2014 11:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Will, where is your email, I can't seem to find it, I would like ask you a question via email. If that's cool.

 
At July 05, 2014 12:21 AM, Blogger Will said...

I'm at thejourneyofwill on gmail!

 
At July 07, 2014 10:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I discovered that I am a little after I got married. My husband isnt into anything related to bdsm. I tried explaining what I need but he is too uncomfortable to listen fully, and he is acting according to what he thinks I need and being too dominant (mean, not understanding or listening to my side, telling me what to do). I dont know what to do anymore and I'm scared my marriage is doomed.

 
At July 09, 2014 7:57 PM, Blogger Will said...

I listed a few possibilities in the second to last paragraph of the article on what you can do if you discover your kinky side after you're married. However if your husband won't engage in open-minded conversation, your options may be limited. You can be persistent in raising the topic with him in hopes of wearing down his resistance, or you can consider finding a separate BDSM play-partner.

 
At July 13, 2014 5:30 PM, Blogger Shelby Richards said...

I absolutely love this piece. I am a submissive and do take the lead in vanilla relationships and like you said it makes me feel uncomfortable. Its not my place to lead I want/crave to be led.

Now to if only there was a way to spot single dominant men. ;)

 
At July 21, 2014 1:18 AM, Anonymous Mysterio1966 said...

Loved the article, but it didn't address the issue of being a "S/switch" -- where we take turns being Dom(me) or sub with each other.

We've BOTH had serious issues with either being forced to be "in control" or forced to be submissive as a survival mechanism in the past. We have amazing communication however and over the 13 years we've been together, we've explored many ways of dealing with our issues in a healthy manner (and a safe one!) that allows us the mutual choice in the power structure and nurtures what we each need from the other, which can change from day-to-day, going from days to weeks/months and even years!

Now, I've been told that there us truly no such thing as a S/switch; that you're just afraid of admitting to actually being a 100% Dom(me) or submissive. After 13 years with this man, and after almost 19 years with my ex-husbands, I can tell you there really IS such a thing and it works very well.

We also don't count exploratory or adventurous sex as being part of our S/switch lifestyle. That's separate from the power and control issues.

My two shekels worth!
Mysterio1966

 
At August 17, 2014 2:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say that the guy who also made me realise I was sub also is about to marry his vanilla gf. He's been a Dom for 16 years... I don't understand how that will work.....

 
At September 15, 2014 1:40 PM, Blogger Katrina Johnson said...

Hi my name is Kat. Thank you for sharing! I am still young and fairly new to the idea of being kinky or a sub.
I met a guy 2 years ago and the first time we had sex was incredible! We were very physically attracted to each other from the start which made sex that much better. His txt messages after that started to change and be a little for aggressive when he would talk about sexual acts. The next time we had sex he wanted to role play, I was the slave and he was the Master. He was firm, strong and rough, but still gentle with me. Things soon started to progress extremely fast. He wanted to get rougher and had the desire to "degrade" as foreplay. I thoroughly enjoyed that as well, but I still had/have trouble understanding him. He's never found a woman interested in letting him do those things to them.
He now wants me to dominate him for a change. I am very excited for that and we txt and send videos to keep the excitement going but I'm worried about him possibly getting bored with me. I am not sure what he might want next. We get rough with bondage, spanking, gagging, and other things, but I don't know how far I would be willing to go? He likes to make me cry, and I very much enjoy it, but what if he wants to make things more painful? I have a very low tolerance for pain so maybe he'll like that he can make me cry easily, but maybe he'll want to keep going until he's excited. We aren't in a relationship nor are we exclusive with each other. And I know he has his doubts about me. I really like him and want him to be happy, but I don't know how long I will be able to do that for him.

 
At October 01, 2014 5:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this so explains my heartbreak of falling deeply in love with a sub. he taught me a few things and slowly brought out a few things I enjoyed but then when it came time for me to inflict pain and other "stuff" I balked and could not perform it. Our sex life came to an abrupt halt and we have been having issues for the last 8 months. I realize now I can never make him happy the way he needs nor him make me happy or fulfilled. a shame cuz he is a great guy otherwise.

 
At October 02, 2014 6:14 PM, Blogger Lady Allora said...

As a sub woman who is fairly young many people believe that finding pleasure in pain is a phase that I will eventually grow out of. My partners up until now have somewhat catered to my kink but the crave for someone to truly push me is still there. They don't understand that there is a difference between rough sex and true domination, which is what I crave. They all think a little hair pulling and light spanking is enough but it's not. I want to be humiliated and degraded and pushed to the point where pain and pleasure are one in the same. I don't crave to be at the same level as my partner as most vanilla women do because it brings me no joy. I don't want to have to tell my partner what I like or fake pleasure just to appease vanilla men. I derive pleasure from pain it is a trait that I was born with and will never out grow.

 
At October 06, 2014 4:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been married for 20 years half my life to a wonderful man. He is the only man I have ever been with and he has never been with anyone else either. Sex has alway been difficult to initiate for both of us. I don't think we ever new how to label our roles just kinda figured it out together. He preferes me to take the lead and I have done so even though it goes against my inner desire to be submissive. Two subs in a marriage for 20 years.......Its crazy how much you can put up with for love. I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I recently talked to him and put it all out on the table. I asked him to tell me what he really wants and to be honest with me and I will do the same. Turns out he is vanilla and likes looking to me for guidance, and I am definately a sub. So while he has been satisfied all these years I have been growing to resent him and am starting to feel anger towards him. Remember that we have never been with another partner and he is quite happy with the status quo. I asked him how he felt about starting an open marriage where I am free to explore my submissive side. After lots of truly respectful and calm discussions he feels like he is alright with that as long as its not with anyone he knows and he dosn't want to know anything about it. I feel free and scared. Can he truly be alright with it? I don't want to end our marriage but I also feel as though I'm dying inside. Sex is becoming more and more infrequent (6 months) I am willing to continue in my role as lead to his vanilla but am scared that if i satisfy my urges with someone else it might ruin our marriage. I truly wish I had had several partners before marriage so I could have discovered my sexual tastes. As much as I love him and am commited to him now, I would not have married him. Had I known.

 
At October 11, 2014 1:46 PM, Blogger Will said...

Hm, "I would not have married him, had I known" is a a strong statement. You might benefit from further exploring your feelings for your husband, possibly with a counselor.

That said, open marriages are not uncommon. A LOT of kinky people find themselves in your shoes — married to a vanilla person. But many open-minded vanilla spouses can understand and support their partner's need for a separate kinky relationship. Sure, it is possible that finding a compatible kink partner could cause you to question your marriage further; or it might make you a more appreciative, affectionate wife!

 
At October 12, 2014 12:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have corrupted my 46 y.o boyfriend into a DOM, for at least a few minutes here and there. Vanilla was not fulfilling. I think he is appreciating the idea of taking control beyond the physical response from me when he does. It will never be the same as with a true dom, but at least I'll get off .......

 
At October 17, 2014 11:05 PM, Anonymous Spooky said...

I am begining to think the thrill I had in childhood games, of being the "damsel in distress" and always volunteering to be tied up in those sort of games was my sub side waiting to be explored. I am very interested in the scenes, sexually, and the 50's sort of lifestyle as well. How do I go about finding out more? My fiancé and I have begun exploring this but I don't know what to do. I have this deep craving for someone to be the kind of Dom I read about in a different article and in articles like these.

 
At October 18, 2014 8:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This article is very useful thank you. It confirms what I feared though. How do you just say to someone that you don't want to be with them anymore because they are too vanilla? How do you explain to somebody that sex with them feels awkward because all you really want is to be collared and called a dirty slut? Guess it has to be done though :/

 
At October 19, 2014 4:24 PM, Blogger Will said...

Spooky, I've heard many subs describe childhood damsel-in-distress experiences. BDSM blogs, porn, and discussion sites are a great place to start your explorations. Browse them together with your fiance and discuss what you find intriguing!

 
At October 20, 2014 6:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I was a dramatic person I'd say that your article has changed my life lol. My boyfriend and I are 24 and 23 respectively and we have been together for 8 years. Predictably, we were virgins before our relationship began. I spent the first six of those 8 years pleasing him and he spent them enjoying the pleasure I gave. The subject of my orgasm never came up and I never had one. Now I masturbate during sex to get my orgasm- he is either disinterested in my pleasure or to inexperienced to take my advice on how to give it.

We had sex again today and I felt upset and resentful afterwards as usual. Until today I always wondered why I felt unfulfilled after sex. Unlike many women I can achieve orgasm very easily and very quickly. I thought that my feelings were because his pleasure still takes presidency over mine all of the time but now I realize that it's because I need to be dominated.

I've actually always liked kinky sex, always wanted to submit. Even before I was a teenager and really understood sex, my porn choices were not vanilla. Bondage, torture, choking, pissing, asphyxiation, even (embarrassingly enough) scat, were common things I masturbated to. Now I read BDSM erotica and I imagine being dominated by men in those stories when we have sex. If I don't imagine it I either can't orgasm or it takes forever.

He is aware of most of my fetishes. He has chocked me once or twice but he doesn't have a dominant bone in his body and I end up resenting him more when he seductively tells me that he is going to spank me and then it's sex as usual.

He finds BDSM weird and your article made me realize that it is something I need if I'm ever going to have a fulfilling sex life. I'm not willing to leave him but I will try to get up the courage to ask him if I can have a dominant outside of our relationship. I wouldn't even need to have sex with him. All I would need is a few hours of someone taking away my control. Then I could carry those memories back with me and have satisfying sex with my boyfriend. Do non sexual D/s relationships exist?

I apologize for the long post.

 
At October 30, 2014 3:16 PM, Blogger Will said...

Non-sexual, or not-so-sexual, D/s relationships do exist. Just note that if you feel really turned on by the kink, and close to your top, you'll likely want him to do you in the process. And if that's out of bounds for your vanilla relationship, then it might be worth re-evaluating what a romantic partnership means to you.

 
At November 07, 2014 7:08 AM, Anonymous Ben Royston said...

One of the doms replying said about his wife: "She didn't know anything about the D/s before she met me, and now she is almost a perfect sub."

I have a similar problem with my wife. She schools herself to be submissive, because her religious outlook compels her to submit to her husband. In reality, she abhors any pain except very mild "spanking" whereas I crave for a true submissive embracing painful treatment.

At the same time, I wonder about myself. I am definitely turned off by torture that damages a partner, or "torturing" a woman without her active consent. Does that make me almost vanilla myself?

I am very new to actually trying out bondage, and its taken me ten years to get my wife to accept it.

 
At November 12, 2014 5:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What I'm about to say is probably very debatable & many would this is ridiculous, but I personally think that some of us are just born this way, liking what we like. I've been into BDSM before I was even aware of what sex was-for example, when I'd see say, a movie that took place in medeval times & a woman was in a dungeon or shackled or something like that. Or if there was a movie where there was an intruder or something. I was too young to even know what sex was or know what sexual feelings were, but I knew that it excited & fascinated me. I'd imagine what that would feel like to be the girl in the movie, & it just really...I don't know, it just really fascinated me, I can't explain it. As time went on, I felt so guilty & ashamed about it-I'd always felt that men & women should have equal rights, as do most women, & that's pretty much the norm for women to express that. So how could I feel that way, but then also secretly fantasize about being dominated by a man. When I found out that what I was feeling was very common & even had a name, I was so happy, as well as relieved that I wasn't some sicko.

Nevertheless, despite having some partners that were also into it, & knowing it was perfectly normal, at one point I tried to supress it. I'm in my early 30s now, & dating a wonderful man, who's for the most part vanilla. He does seem curious about certain things like spanking, or he's said he'd love to tie me up-after I'd told him that stuff was ok he seemed surprised, then interested. However the fact that he hadn't really done anything like that, I don't think he could every truly be a Dom-I think he'd have figured it out beforehand, & anything we've ever done hasn't escalated too far, at least not as far as I'd like. If I felt like he was doing something just solely for my sake, I don't think I could enjoy myself, plus it's just not in his nature. So like I said, I've tried to supress it, even managed to convince myself that I'd 'outgrown' BDSM for a bit. But then lo & behold, I've been finding myself reading BDSM erotica, looking at BDSM porn, quite alot lately. I really love and care about my boyfriend, but at the same time I kind of have this sad feeling, almost like I'm just not going to ever be able to have what I desire in certain ways. I don't cheat-I'm very loyal, when I'm with someone, I'm with them, I've never cheated in my life. But...I don't know, I just feel sad sometimes because I feel like it's something that I'm going to have to have to say goodbye to, other than watching porn by myself, or my fantasies. I don't want to lose him, I care about him alot. But I really do crave certain things, & for real, with a real person, not just my imagination.

 
At November 18, 2014 11:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post (and to the many comments). I have for quite some time been considered sexually adventurous and been into "light kink", but recently started dating someone who is dominant (I think? Or he may be a switch?) - while still being extremely caring and kind. After a first "attempt" at true kink, during which I cried because I wasn't really sure 1- what to expect, and 2- why he wanted to tie me up or 3- if I would be "safe".. After which we talked, and then had loving, romantic, and adventurous "straight" sex.... I started to research s&m, tying, etc. Contrary to the clichés of my generation, I did not grow up watching copious porn online, nor have I ever had a rape/tying/sub/pain fantasy. I have expressed an interest in "going slow" with an introduction to his preferences, but I honestly feel like I am leagues behind what he wants and craves in a partner (he has had several d/s relationships), and even if I were to attempt to 'catch up' to where he is now, he would keep moving forward (or "deeper" as some of the comments have called it)
making it impossible.. In the meantime, he has taken my "let's take it slowly" to mean that I am unwilling to explore, and so we are only having adventurous "straight" sex.. I'm not sure how to tell him that I'm interested in a continuation of exploring, and I can tell that he is not totally into our current sex life.. He has every once in a while given more insight into why he enjoys the Dom role, and why he would like to tie me up/do other things to me, which is extremely comforting.. I feel like I need to understand the why before I'm interested in the act. His explanations of it being so that he can focus on my body and on enjoying and caring for each and every part of me so that i may experience pleasure without being in control, where i have to trust him, makes sense to me. That is, in my mind, essentially the same principal as in "straight" sex, except that in the latter i can usually move my arms.. At the same time, I do not find that threshold of pain to be a turn on, and your article and these comments make me feel like perhaps we should potentially end our relationship if I'm identifying as 'only' sexually adventurous.. I don't want to be the woman with her husband saying, as that one gentleman states, 'my wife is almost the perfect sub after years of training'.. I want my partner and I to have a fulfilling sexual relationship for both of us; i don't want to be considered "almost able to fill his needs".. And what happens if, like other ppl above, I lose interest and just fake it? I cannot fake sex for the rest of my life.. I also keep thinking about what I would tell my kids.. Would I let them watch the Addams family movie & say that mommy and daddy are just like Morticia and Gomez? Or would I keep it a secret? Would I want my children to grow up interested in S&M? I know my parents wouldn't want it for me..
Sorry for venting, and to those on the s&m side, these are a few of the things going through your "straight" sexually adventurous partners minds...

-lost and unsure S.A.






 
At November 25, 2014 5:45 PM, Blogger Will said...

Dear Ben, you write "I am definitely turned off by torture that damages a partner, or 'torturing' a woman without her active consent. Does that make me almost vanilla myself?" — No sir, that makes you sensible and caring, both essential qualities in a top. To practice either of the above would constitute abuse.

 
At December 01, 2014 2:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What if you have a spouse whos only turn on is the reaction he can get out of you? Would he be considered submisive/dominant for that? I mean, he does not normally innitiate sex in a regular basis, his work schedule is really physically exausting. However, he is eager once I provoke him. His natural tendency is not ussually to create roughness, he is normally a quite and gentle individual that could care less if I boss the house, he is very counfortable to just be the provider and let me take care of household things(bills etc). I on the other hand, cannot even orgasm in a top possition during sex, and therefore avoid them at all cost, will do only if asked, which happens only rarely. I have not exprecedly asked him to dominate, because I am afraid it will send the wrong message, as I only want sensual domination. When sex naturally becomes rougher or some small things like spanking and light wipping is introduced, we never really talked about it, it is like I grab a household item that I think could be used and place it near us. Now, by the mere use of dominant traits by him, my body responds like crazy, and i can't stop it from responding, at those moments he changes completely, the ussually mellow guy becomes an extremely masculine man and does the most crazy (for vanila) things to me, lets just say the household objects (wooden padles, fruits, ice, charger cords, you name it) get used pretty well lol.
But my point is, he does not talk about it afterwards, it sort of seems like a lapse or momentary change in personality, in no way is this translated to everyday life or even mentioned, so I wonder, is this dominant attitude due just to my very strong physical reaction to sub positions?(some call it female ejaculation) or is he really dominant inside and is afraid to say it?
I am very confused, because I don't consider myself a submisive person at all, but only sub position or roles turn me on sexually. I am the creative one when it comes to bringing objects in and that sort of thing, but I can never plainly ask him to use it, I am always sort of hinting to it by putting them on his path. I guess i want a dominant man, but not a domineering(overlycontroling) one,and how can I talk about this without sending the wrong message? submission have very different cognotations in everyday life than sexually speaking, how can a couple reconcile both?
Any help?

 
At December 02, 2014 5:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been seeing an old boyfriend recently. I hadn't been as adventurous in bed as I know he has over the years we were apart so I've been on eggshells in the bedroom trying to let him lead me but it hasn't been very satisfying for either of us. This past weekend he asked me if I had any dominatrix in me. I think that explains a lot. I think we both think I'm naturally dom, but how does a greenhorn dom satisfy a very experienced sub? Wouldn't him 'training' me be exactly the opposite of what roles we want to fulfill? Can a man be sub in the bedroom but still be the dominant one in the relationship - or is that a totally naive thing to ask? I'm so glad he told me and I'm excited for what the future has in store for us, but how do we get there?

 
At December 03, 2014 3:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would also like to know this. I have been with my partner for 14 years since teenagers and only found out in the last 2-3 years about his submissive tendencies, despite him being a very dominant alpha male outside of the bedroom. I have a very demanding job, which requires me to be dominant day to day and so I like that he is dominant in our day to day relationship. I think however, I am vanilla but adventurous as mentioned previously. I try to be a dominant for him but don't ever feel it is enough and it is causing us problems in the relationship. I guess I'm just not that good with role playing. And so I now find myself googling what to do about having a submissive partner who needs to be dominated and how to fulfil this role. I feel that he will want more and more from me in a dominant role and I may not be able to keep up with his requirements. I am worried he is starting to look at alternative options as mentioned in other posts and to help with this I have offered to go to see a true dominatrix with him to learn or even watch her with him. He does also like to have me occasionally as submissive so I am not sure if he is a switch. I would appreciate people thought on this. Thanks.

 
At December 07, 2014 6:16 PM, Blogger Will said...

To the reader who creatively provokes her partner into kink in the bedroom, it sounds like you two need to have a frank, detailed conversation, about what you are each experiencing, and what the further possibilities might be. See On Communication Within a Dom/Sub Partnership. There is no need to bring your D/s roles out of the bedroom; in fact, the great majority of kinky couples confine their kinks there.

 
At December 07, 2014 6:59 PM, Blogger Will said...

To the blossoming dominatrix, the first places to start could be writing down and embellishing your personal fantasies (which are often a wonderful guide to fulfilling realities), and interviewing your boyfriend about his prior experiences, again making notes. Next, written erotica, BDSM porn, blogs, and discussion groups offer wide windows into the world of kink. If you find that your tastes differ considerably, then you have to work out whether you're more satisfied by doing what inspires you, or what titillates him. As for developing your skills as a top, that's a matter of research, perhaps tutoring (via workshops or mentors), and practice; it's not a situation where your bottom trains you.

Can your partner also lead you outside the bedroom? Of course; there is no correct D/s pattern — any kinky couple does what works for them.

 
At December 07, 2014 10:32 PM, Blogger Will said...

To the reader whose partner of 14 years has submissive tendencies, I think offering to see a dominatrix with him was a great idea. You could perhaps draw inspiration for playing the dominant role from experience as the sub, so switching with him might help you grow together. But if the job of top is not enjoyable or even comfortable for you, you might also discuss his finding a kink play partner.

 
At December 09, 2014 6:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in a relationship with a man I love so much. I found out that he had a Dom side that he had never shared with me., although I would be receptive to it, as it's something that I have always wanted to explore. I have a sub side to me and want to embrace this,
He brushed it off and told me it wasn't that important to him, that just being with me was. I have since found out that he has created a profile on a dating website, looking for a sub. I confronted him once about this and told him I wanted to share this with him.we bought some toys but as yet have still not explored this side of us.

I found out last week that he is again on a dating website looking for a sub. He doesn't know that I have found out as I haven't told him. I guess I am worried that this will never stop. It al lst feels like he can't see me in that way,

Do any of you have experience in this and can guide me? I'm not vanilla, I've had some experience but am not experienced in being a sub.
Is he likely to see me in this way or is our relationship doomed as my thoughts are that he can't bury this side of him (I don't want him too) bunt he won't share it with me.

Your thoughts please

 
At December 09, 2014 3:15 PM, Blogger Will said...

I have heard a few stories about doms who felt unable to bring BDSM into initially-vanilla relationships, or were less dominant as they became more attached to a kinky partner. I would guess that such folks have internal conflict about their kinks, and haven't wrestled with integrating their loving and darker aspects. (See Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self.)

As for drawing out his dom side, try asking him about his D/s experiences to learn what he cherished or disliked in prior partners. Keep inquiring over time; you'll learn more and more. Then begin embodying those things that he desires, and of course develop and share your own fantasies with him. One way to enhance your intelligence gathering would be to respond to his kinky personal ad to strike up an anonymous conversation. If you try that, you'll need a different tone to avoid recognition, and you'll need to work out how long to keep your efforts a secret.

 
At December 12, 2014 11:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Will, Many thanks for your reponse to me "the blossoming dominatrix"! I have since spoken in detail and length with my partner, the sub. And we have sorted out a lot. I have realised that he only needs to be a sub some of the time in the bedroom and is really a switch. We have discussed seeing a dominatrix together where both of us will try being a sub at some stage so I can learn. We have discussed our limitations and we are both happy with this. We have also just attended a fetish night for the second time and so we are both learning together a bit now I guess, so we will see how we get on. To the writer on the 09 dec, I recomend you try and confront your Dom boyfriend again and try and understand why he might have guilt. If you can try to help him with this guilt he may be able to see you as his sub. I hope so anyway for your sake, as it sounds like an ideal situation if you can be his sub. Good luck with this. Communication, even if it results from an ultimatum or conflict really does work.

 
At December 14, 2014 1:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

After reading a lot of these comments, I just have to say I find quite a few of you selfish in the extreme. You're not loyal, giving people except in the sense of wanting to give pain. That is not natural by any standard. You need to closely examine why you are the way you are. Hurting others is not nor, will ever be love. There's nothing decent or, acceptable about it. Except to you few who find it so, to feed your dark desires. If you do this because of past experiences like, abuse, rape, etc., seek the counseling you desperately need. If this is just 'who you are', you need to examine what brought you to this point. Being a naturally, dominant person doesn't make you abusive. And, stop trying to blame others that do not want to become involved in your darkness.

 
At December 14, 2014 2:20 AM, Blogger Will said...

My first thought was to delete that comment, since this is a forum for kinky people and those who love them, not a venue to clarify BDSM to those who misunderstand it. However, I will make one attempt to do the latter; this will be the last word on the matter here.

Pain is often assumed to entail suffering as the two are often paired. But pain is a sensation, physical and/or emotional, created by stimulation (including recollection). Suffering is a state of being, created by, to oversimplify the matter, consciousness. There are many kinds of pain that people embrace without criticism: athletics, geographical exploration, childbirth, wearing high heels; the list is long. SM play belongs among these. It is done with the intent to create bonding and growth, not suffering. To those who are shocked by it, I suggest visualizing yourself performing every intense and/or dangerous activity which humans are celebrated for undertaking that you can think of. After trying this exercise every day for a week, ask yourself whether a consensual activity which the participants find rewarding can possibly be considered less reasonable than motor racing or mountaineering.

 
At December 19, 2014 6:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a married woman. I love my husband very much. He fell ill earlier this year and things haven't been the same. I was recently kinda asked if i wanted to be a sub to someone who I've known for several years. The two of us should not be together because we are the parents to our married child ren. He is engaged as well. We started a sexting thing over the summer. We don't talk all the time but we are having fun. I just found out that he is into this sorta thing. And after talking about it i kinda agreed to be his sub. I trust him, but at the same time i have concerns. It's a bit scary. I've never done this before. I have a strong feeling he will meet the needs that i have. Not sure what my question is. Just looking for advice

 
At December 19, 2014 11:01 PM, Anonymous mila said...

Your post is quite an eye opener for me, and thank you for that.
Maybe someone can give me some advice on this topic: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months, and I have to say we are perfect match. (or so I thought) until his recent confession about being a BDSM kinda guy; we haven't had any sexual altercations yet but I can tell there's a fire between us.... In a nutshell my question is if I were to stay open minded and willing to be adventurous is there anyway this can be another quality I'll enjoy about him?

 
At December 20, 2014 1:27 AM, Blogger Will said...

Dear married woman, your first responsibility is to protect your relationship with your children, and you should also be concerned with your would-be dom's future with his fiance. There are other ferocious fish in the sea! I don't think it's unreasonable to seek kink outside of your marriage if your partner is unable to participate, although it's certainly preferable if he can endorse that decision, and if new liaisons can give you positive energy that you bring home (assuming you plan to stay married).

 

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