Tuesday, June 11, 2013

What I Look For in a Submissive Partner

This article sat in the drafts folder for weeks; I found it hard to finish. It forced me to reflect on some things... I'm single, and dislike being so — I'm a better, more effective man when I have a committed partner. I don't do kink casually, so being single means my dom side gets almost no love. Pondering my search is dispiriting, as it's a process that has no clear calendar. And it troubles me to wonder, after talking with a lot of kinky girls over the past few years, whether the girl I'm seeking even exists. I'm a tall order to fill, no question, but if I don't admire a girl in multiple ways, I wouldn't want to acquire her.

But here it is at last, written for myself as much as for you. I've tried to highlight generally valuable qualities in a submissive partner, and deemphasize things which are singular to me.

Possesses a strong will. As a friend of mine who's the master half of a master/slave pair likes to say, "A good sub has a spine of steel." Ultimately, it is inner strength that lets a sub give of herself in profound and intense ways, and carry on this way year in and year out.

Wants kink for the way it makes her feel. Doing it "for his sake" may seem like a submissive attitude, but activities which are not rewarding to her, either during or afterwards, are ultimately depleting and unsustainable.

Shares a few significant, non-kinky passions with her partner. D/s partners must have vanilla chemistry; they can't spend every minute of the relationship in a kinky fog. (For example, I go partner dancing twice a week, and if my girl wasn't into that, I'd feel like she didn't really know me.)

Attentive and curious. These are essential for a submissive partner, since she has to learn to read her dom, and to respond to his needs or goals in any situation where they've agreed she will submit.

Desires and acts on feedback. A dom may wish his girl to adjust her behavior in ways small and large over time. When I offer input, I want to hear, "Got it, thanks for telling me!" However, she may not effect big changes overnight, those usually require practice.

Grateful. I, for one, need to hear that my partner appreciates me, believes in me, feels blessed by my company and all it entails. Such offerings can help assuage occasional "dom's guilt".

Strong emotional boundaries. She's not easily offended or triggered or manipulated. What others may say to her won't knock her off-kilter or lodge in her self-perception. It's important to hold boundaries with family, colleagues, friends, and one's lover. One of the goals of D/s is to dismantle boundaries between dom and sub, but even so a sub needs to recognize it when her dom says something to her that's due to stress or confusion. (See also Emotional Issues in Dom/Sub Relationships.)

Self-esteem. This has been a challenge for many of the women I've dated, both vanilla and kinky, and thus something I've come to expect to help a partner with. But an emotionally healthy girl will have some inkling of her abilities and gifts, even if she has doubts about them in some contexts.

Communicates rationally when under stress. The ability to hold oneself together when stressed out or upset is invaluable. Of course, there are limits to how much duress anyone can withstand before they shut down or lash out.

Loves learning and is addicted to it. A big mind is a huge asset; I'd be bored by a girl who didn't devour new knowledge and share parts of it with me. In doing so, she enriches my understanding of her, the world, and myself.

Enjoys some kind of challenging physical activity. Moving keeps her in touch with her body — a big part of the brain is devoted to the body after all. The practice could be dance, hiking, running, a gym circuit, ultimate frisbee, yoga, tai chi, gardening; the list is endless. It needn't be mindless exercise for its own sake. Also flexibility and strength are particularly helpful for more intense S&M work. :-)

Awareness of nutrition. This is essential in today's food market, because competition has steadily driven vendors to offer huge portions of addictive foods at bargain prices. A healthy diet is high in lean protein and very low in sweets.

Not preoccupied with consumptive activities. I find that undertaking challenging, creative projects together, whether out in the world or at home, is more bonding than ordinary entertainments like shopping, dining out, traveling, and the theater.

Willing to push back when wise. Any dom needs a reality check from time to time. If he suggests something foolish, or is about to dive into some chasm, he'll benefit if she pipes up.

Doesn't set arbitrary limits. Claiming some kinky thing is a "limit" without reason — other than "ew!" — isn't a sign of an open mind. That's not to say that a sub should say yes to something out-there early in the relationship. Intense activities need a strong container, which takes time to build.

Aligned ambitions. Some subs have big life goals for themselves, and so may not be well-matched to doms that wish to be the sub's focus whenever she's awake. Some doms enjoy it when a sub has responsibility and authority at work; they may not be compatible with a sub who's less invested in career progress.

Chemistry. Note that the above characteristics do not create rapport with someone, in and of themselves. Chemistry counts for a lot — although having it cannot compensate for the lack of must-have features.

What's Irrelevant

Intro/extroversion. I'm somewhat introverted, and have had both introverted and extroverted partners. Both have enriched me. I would only suggest that a personality that hates crowds should not be paired with one that only thrives as a social butterfly.

Enjoys pain or humiliation. Many subs don't enjoy pain for its own sake, yet still gladly endure it, and eventually come to crave it, as a service to the dom. Others do relish certain kinds of pain, however there's always methods a sadistic dom can apply to cause distress in a sub who usually gets off on pain.

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At June 14, 2013 3:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Isn't it funny how life is...single you don't like it but being married is not easy also. Finding that special person is hard. (it takes alot of compromising especially once you tie the knot). I am married. I starting to find BDSM quite interesting but never done it before but people are giving me hints I might like it? So I have been reading online about it...what it is and etc. I don't think it is tall order of your wishes...it is common in my opinion. If I was looking for a mate I will feel the same way too. I agree with you on on some points and for other points I don't know about BDSM that well so I can't be a judge of that yet.

Just keep yourself busy in the meantime. She will come.

I enjoyed reading your posts these past 2 or 3 weeks. I just came upon it 2 weeks or 3 weeks ago.

Annie (NJ)

At July 04, 2013 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Will I stumbled upon your site researching a out BDSM. Over many years I have gone back and forth with whether or not I should try to find a Dom. I am taking the steps now, but don't know what steps I actually should take. I'm not dating or married currently. It's not easy finding your mate. I know that first hand. Is it any easier finding a Dom? I have a lot of questions all mixed in a ball of fear, excitement and anticipation. I'm in NY and they say NY has everything which makes finding things a little harder. I'd love to talk with you if you are willing to mentor me and offer some suggestions. Just let me know. I am following your blog now and look forward to reading. Thanks


At July 04, 2013 11:09 AM, Blogger Will said...

Hi J. From my experience, it can be a long process to find someone with whom you have both vanilla and D/s chemistry. But I do think that NY would be a good place to look.

There's a few other posts on this topic here that might help:
What to Look For in a Dom/Master
How to Interview a Dom/Master Prospect
Online BDSM Dating Tips

I'm happy to answer more private Q's via email as well, my address is on the right margin.

At July 06, 2013 8:20 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

Hi, Will, I'm trying to re-find your blog about being unhappily single. I as a NC foothills/mtn. raised woman want to post a comment to that entry. I cannot understand why men out here in our age group don't want anything with us. We many of us, foothills/mtns raised women grew up observing healthy interactions, what is now called BDSM practices, in our parents marriages & we can't figure out what all the hulaboo is about!

At July 10, 2013 1:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi! I have been flirting with the idea of being a sub, because I enjoy being bossed around, and even hurt a little, sexually. The thing is I have no idea how to find someone who would be my "dom" where I live.. I am currently in a sexual relationship with someone with dominant traits, which is probably why I like this man so much, but it is not serious or exclusive so I don't feel like I could talk to him about this just yet.. any tips? I would describe myself as everything you wrote here so I think I have a lot to offer, and I really want to see how much I would enjoy this type of relationship, it's not something I want to forget about or put in the back of my head without at least trying.. I guess we'll have to see what happens, loved your blog, btw! Thanks

At July 10, 2013 1:53 PM, Blogger Will said...

I don't think a relationship has to be serious or exclusive for you to bring up your interests, desires, fantasies, etc. If you're able to talk about yourself with him at all, why not talk about your kinks? You don't have to unload everything that's whirling in your head at once, just pick a topic you think would resonate -- perhaps bondage, or spanking, or even "I love it when you boss me around."

As far as where to look, OKCupid.com is a mostly-vanilla dating site which is kink-friendly. It uses a questionnaire to match you with like-minded people, and among the questions are quite a number about S&M and D/s. Fetlife.com is a BDSM "community" site which doesn't have dating features per se, but has local-area discussion and personals groups for most metro areas in the US (and many around the world).

If you wade into the kinky dating waters, see my answer above with links to other articles here on that topic.

At July 10, 2013 2:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you! I already read them all, have had a busy morning as you can see;) I appreciate the advice and I will definitely bring it up with him, the thing is I'd feel... safer, for lack of a better word, learning about this with someone who already knows and who could teach me, rather than both of us learning together, but since I live in Baja Ca, Mx it just seems so unlikely to find someone with such preferences here.

I will browse through the sites you gave me and see if I can at least find someone to help me determine whether or not the "lifestyle" is really an option for me or not.. Thanks!

At July 13, 2013 3:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with J. NY have everything but definitely hard to find.

Annie (NJ)

At July 28, 2013 9:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another wannabe-sub is here to thank you Will!

I really enjoyed your articles and I did send your links to my two best-friends just to make the point that "yes educated dominant male still exists on planet earth"
We are vanilla girls and since college I always been the "curious" one of the group.
I first wanted to understand the psychological aspect of Dom/sub realtionships thru reading "classics" Le Marquis de Sade and George Battaille and with online chatrooms.
Like the other women who posted coments to this article I find it difficult to live fully this aspect of my libido. All the men I dated are perfect "boyfriend" materials but most of the time I felt very disapointed in the bedroom, I tried to give them hints about what I really crave and even tried my best to communicate very openly (when I felt they have earned my trust) but it did not work. I consider myself healthy-balanced-caring human being , and take actions to lead my life with these standarts so I dont let my misfortunes in the love departement invalidate me (even I heard my last boyfriend saying "you are noot normal, how can I f*** you harder?" lol).
Dating online scares me a little but reading your advices gave me a boost of confidence, maybe I will pass thru the other side of the Mirror soon :)

Please keep writing on the subject, if you ever gather enough material to publish a book I will advertise for it in my circle of friends here in Montreal gladly!

T from Montreal

At July 31, 2013 2:17 PM, Blogger Pineapple3000 said...

Firstly, thank you for sharing this information. As a girl who has little to no sexual and 'relationship' experience, it has helped me think on my position as someone who wishes to become a sub. In my bleak inexperience, I find myself a little lost and uncertain since I don't know where to go for confirmation and for finding the necessary elements. Probably nothing a few hours of internet surfing won't fix :P

Again, thank you!

Anna (Montréal)

At August 07, 2013 5:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi. I just stumbled across this blog while searching for more of an understanding of a D/s relationship. I really appreciate the complete honesty here. It's helped me a lot. The thought of becoming a submissive has been in the back of my mind for quite sometime now. I had just never found anyone willing to be fully dominate with me or who had an understanding of what it truly means to be a Dom, until very recently. I just barely started a D/s relationship with someone. Reading up on it has been helping me immensely though. Giving me more detailed knowledge and what to roughly expect.
As odd as it sounds, it's comforting to know I fit another Dom's standards as well. When I was reading this page I thought you were just describing me. Haha. Anyways, thank you for writing such a great blog.

Hannah (Los Angeles)

At December 21, 2013 6:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just want to say your blog has really been helping me a lot. I've thought about being a sub in passing a few times, but never seriously until recently. I've been trying online dating and have been talking to a guy for a little while now who has been very open about being a dom. Talking to him has really interested me, and scared me a little. But the more I read, the more I think I can go forward with this. So thank you.

At January 17, 2014 9:38 PM, Anonymous missy said...

Take comfort. She's looking for you too.

At January 28, 2014 10:47 AM, Blogger Saltyqueen said...

From my vanilla point of view, I like this.. I really dig this.. I must say that this kind of relationship is probably what most non BDSM strive to acquire... a deeper understanding on many levels.

At March 01, 2014 5:47 PM, Blogger just4laughs3275 said...

I'm an older newly divorced wonan who had been curious about the submissive side of the "lifestyle" for quite sometime. Is there a possibility for a woman over 50 to find someone to start this journey?

At March 07, 2014 12:21 PM, Anonymous Gingerly said...

Wow ... Great article. All of the. You really do help provide some insight to those us like me who are new and are trying to find their way. It's quite a journy and learning experience and its a journey with in ones self.

I do have a question if you don't mind.

I'm know that a huge part of being a sub and dom are being open and honest to both your self and Dom but ... I've have some Terri me experiences and life as a child and I am not able to go there even with myself. I do have a lot of hurt there and I'm afraid that this will impact and or prevent me from being able to have a good sub/Dom relationship

At March 11, 2014 4:26 PM, Blogger Will said...

Just4laughs, you ask, "Is there a possibility for a woman over 50 to find someone to start this journey?" In a word, yes. But as I've written elsewhere in the blog, persistence and patience are necessary when seeking someone who matches you in both vanilla and kinky ways. And at this juncture, you might consider which of those two sides is most compelling or urgent for you...

At March 11, 2014 4:40 PM, Blogger Will said...

Gingerly, you write, "I do have a lot of hurt there and I'm afraid that this will impact or prevent me from being able to have a good sub/Dom relationship." Emotional scarring from childhood or previous relationships can indeed prevent one from having a fulfilling romance, kinky or otherwise. A good way to deal with such issues is in therapy with an effective, compassionate counselor -- which can take several tries to find; don't settle for a therapist you don't click with. Also, given a caring kink partner, you may find that BDSM play itself is healing and mind-expanding! See also Emotional Issues in Dom/Sub Relationships.

At May 29, 2014 11:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We do exist & we're looking for the right Dom! I can't profess to be 100% of those things 100% of the time but I'd be willing to at least try for someone I cared that much for. Thank you for writing this, granted I know this is exclusive to you & your preferences but there have to be other guys out there looking for some of the same qualities (I hope).

At June 06, 2014 12:09 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Hi! I found your blog researching BDSM relationships. I've just recently become aware that I've been in a D/s relationship for the past 1.5 yr (Clearly, I'm the sub, and a bit innocent and naive. A new friend asked me if I was in a Dom/sub relationship. She's a sub and recognized it.) He & I naturally fell into our sexual roles, but I've always felt like I didn't get "the rule book." We've discussed our sexual preferences openly, and neither one of us are dissatisfied sexually, but I feel like maybe I was misled a little. Your description of your preferences are practically identical to my Dom's. So, I've gained a little more clarity & wisdom... unfortunately, b/c of my lack of previous understanding, we are separated now... Would you please share a little more insight into the psychology of a D/s relationship break up? My friend warned me that subs who lose their Dom will often go into a deep depression? Just trying to get a better understanding of his needs, and mine ;)

~ Krystal

At June 06, 2014 12:45 PM, Blogger Will said...

Hi Krystal, thanks for the suggestion! D/s relationship breakups is a topic I plan to cover in the future for sure. Yes, losing a dom or sub can be emotionally shattering, because the nature of D/s and SM is super intense, and thus intensely bonding. Losing that kind of bond is heartrending, so a deep depression isn't uncommon in its wake. However, those drawn to D/s tend to be highly resilient (how could you handle such sexual and emotional intensity otherwise!) and so will not generally be scarred by such a breakup. (Scarring may result from abuse during a relationship, but that's another matter. See Crossing the Line: Where Kink Becomes Abuse)

At June 12, 2014 9:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found my way to your blog out of necessity. And thank goodness you exist. Your careful and sensitive treatment of D/s issues is clearly visible in your writing.
My question is this:
How can one be sure whether one is a sub? I acknowledge that there are varying degrees of kinkiness. Some women may enjoy playing at subservience, accepting a mild spanking and others need to be whipped, stuck with pins, burned, etc.
I have suspected for some time that I am a frustrated sub, in a vanilla marriage. But how to be sure? Could you think possibly about writing an article to clarify this question?
An incident during sexual play with a boyfriend while younger, who seemed put off by what I asked of him, discouraged and dismayed me. Clearly I was misunderstood.
One thing you wrote left me feeling unsure. You wrote that you require your sub to suffer - does this mean in agony, or do you just enjoy seeing her writhe in discomfort or moderate pain? How can you have feelings for someone and actually enjoy their suffering?
I am new to this and still searching, so I would appreciate your advice. I don't feel like going into more detail here, but I do need clarification.
Thank you.

At June 12, 2014 3:10 PM, Blogger Will said...

Thanks for the article suggestion, I agree it's a topic I should cover! In your case, go back to what you asked of that boyfriend who "seemed put off by what I asked of him." Where did you envision that going in your fantasies? Imagination is a wonderful guide to one's desires. Also, do some browsing of BDSM porn to see what, if any, turns you on. There's a wide variety of it, from soft-core bondage to intense SM. And dip into the blogs of submissive women (tho don't be put off if you dislike someone's writing; keep looking). Finally, Fetlife has some decent discussion forums, and a lot of interesting (and nutty) profiles. (See also BDSM Relationship Variations.)

Regarding my use of the word "suffer", that's a charged term for many, and I certainly have no appetite for seeing my partner damaged, physically or psychologically, by our SM adventures or D/s dynamics. I do need to give a lover significant physical challenges in a sexual context, and to increase their intensity over time.

At June 13, 2014 3:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for answering. I have to say that your response asked a whole load of new questions, but also that I perceived the necessary escalation of intensity as something that may not be sustainable over time.
I don't feel that blood-letting or burning (and I have searched the net, and seen some scary things) appeal at all to me personally.
Relinquishing control, however, is immensely stimulating, and something that as an alpha female (and I use the term without wishing to offend), may also be necessary to finding equilibrium.
To be able to 'hold the fort' in everyday life, while also being able to relish in subservience in a sexual context is something that many women find appealing, I believe. Hence the runaway success of certain chick-lit authors who discovered this niche.
Wanting a certain degree of domination, and the necessary discomfort, or pain for those who take it to that level, may be more common than one realizes. Feminism has given women many things (birth control, the right to vote, etc), but it has also taken certain things away. Admitting to wanting a D/s relationship is not pc today.
I suspect my partner may be 'up' for exploring this slant on our relationship, but despite giving him hints, he hasn't picked up on it. Which brings me to the next question, can an alpha vanilla male (with certain dominant traits) become a happy dom? If it isn't himself doing the instigating, is this a problem?

At June 17, 2014 9:36 PM, Blogger Will said...

Re "Can an alpha vanilla male become a happy dom?" It really depends on whether he has latent D/s desires towards his lover. Social and professional dominance are not indicators of romantic or sexual dominance; some socially dominant men crave submission behind closed doors. There are many ways to unlock one's latent kinky desires, and a partner's fantasies or past experiences can be a powerful influence, so by all means, instigate! See also Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self.

At December 20, 2014 10:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Will,
Amazing blog.
It's been 8years since I've been a sub. My 1st bf was a controlling dominant and I truly enjoyed the sub side of sex and all the naughty things we did before I lost my virginity to him. However, I didn't want D/s in regular life, only in the bedroom.
I am single atm, and in life I am an assertive female who gets what she wants. This makes it difficult because sometimes even high powered me with sub desires are attracted to me. I need a guy to dominate me in the bedroom. Just wanted to rant abit.
It is not easy looking for a partner for sure and I wish you luck.

At January 24, 2015 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Will,

I have a simple question, if I may.....
Are you cute?? You certainly have my attention.


At January 24, 2015 2:36 PM, Blogger Will said...

I usually field questions like that via email, but yes, I'm devastatingly cute. Imagine a quartet of cheetah cubs, roughhousing in the shade on the savannah :-)

At February 18, 2015 12:11 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

hello will, i really enjoyed reading this article and found myself relating it to my own life and experiences. i've always recognized myself as a switch, which can sometimes get me a lot of backlash from the more hard-core doms that believe that any woman who's even partly submissive must be one wholly. sadly for them i do know my own mind quite well and really could never live without one or the other, since both are such heady and powerful experiences you really cannot compare them.

i found i agreed with most of it, as in things i would also enjoy out of life with a steady partner. it is difficult to engage, or even want to, in play with someone you don't have a serious connection with and there's a lot of factors obviously as to how that can happen. anytime i was ever in a d/s relationship with me as the sub i would stress what my limits are because too often i've come across men who want this perfect woman that meets all their check points but refuse to give even a slight factor of that back themselves; perhaps not really seeing them as another person merely a play-thing. example: i'm not a huge fan of anal, something that almost ALWAYS comes up with doms i've talked to in the past. they always say, "well, if you were with me then you'd have to, no exceptions." so i'd say, "ok, then i won't be with you." afterwards there's a back-track and they say they hope to convince me and then put the pressure on as time goes along. that's why i was against the whole "Arbitrary limits" part of your post. some things really are always going to be off the table and though i can't always put in into words exactly why something is off-limits to me, if i haven't tried it that is, if the thought of it makes me cringe then it won't happen, period. not to make this sound like a brag but i've yet to meet that many people who are more open-minded than myself. even if i find i don't want to engage in certain activities i'd never make the person feel bad for liking them, and it wouldn't mean that they appeal less to me, we'd just have to discuss whether or not it was a necessity in the relationship or something that could be put aside and go from there. at the very least we could be friends.

also, i have to disagree with you on activities. i think traveling is an amazing bonding experience, certainly more than going hiking. exploring places with a person is life-changing, and something that would mean much much more to me than most things in life. i'll admit when it comes to challenging physical activities that i enjoy to participate in only one really comes to mind and usually i'm not standing for it. *cue snare drum* for me sex is like dancing, every step and every movement, word and whisper brings us closer to the time where bodies heat, the air thickens (among other things) and we have no choice but to give in to that, our most primal desires. anything less isn't worth doing. i'd like to say that like most people in my pnw area i enjoy the outdoorsy life but alas i am a city girl at heart and would take a moonlit dinner on the water and a walk down the boardwalk over roughing it in the mountains any day of the week. again, just my two cents :)

At February 19, 2015 4:43 PM, Blogger Will said...

If the thought of something truly makes you cringe, perhaps there's a reason for that reaction, albeit unconscious, and your limit isn't arbitrary. Many doms are tempted to push against unexplored limits, as they find taking down barriers with a partner is deeply satisfying and bonding. However a clever dom would wait until deep trust had emerged, and learn what motivates his sub's resistance; fear might be surmountable, but physiology or prior history might not.

At April 23, 2015 10:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Will. Thank you for taking the time to write this article. I've always had a desire to be controlled in the bedroom, but I'm very much a dominant personality in all other aspects of my life. I'm a Nurse, so there is no option to be submissive in this field. I'm currently in a relationship, and he's also new to the BDSM scene. He likes being my dom, but I don't feel he's confident in his role. I feel like I need a stronger partner in the bedroom, but I don't want to end my relationship based on this. Any suggestions?

At April 27, 2015 2:33 PM, Blogger Will said...

It can take a dom a while to be confident in that role, as it requires trust in one's partner that she's OK with your kinks, trust in oneself that you won't go too far or attempt something for the wrong reasons, and practice, both of technique and psychology. Conversation is one of your best tools for building mutual trust and choosing new ways to explore — have you told him you'd like more force? On that subject, see On Communication Within a Dom/Sub Partnership. Also you might point him to Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self.

At May 03, 2015 1:31 AM, Blogger MzKitty said...

Thanks for the reply. I will check out those articles you suggested.

At May 11, 2015 4:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well said :)

At May 18, 2015 3:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand that it can be difficult to find the one you're meant to be with and I can really relate to what it's like being alone...

I know the journey isn't an easy journey and after being alone for 38 years and even after being married for nine of those years I can relate to the feeling of loniness and had completely give. Up on the idea of someone loving me for me and until that wonderful day when I met the now love of my life my Master and I had no idea of the bdsm world ... When Master met me he saw me as a submissive / slave and at first there were something's I really struggled with but I've always been one to want to learn new things and to always want to keep growing internally I had my own doubts that I am a submissive to begin with as I had to over come a lot of the abuse that had happened to me in the past not only from the ex husband but from my step father as well and free abuse started when I was 8 until I was 36 years of age...

Slowly and with the patient of the unconditional love in which Master has always shown me as Master's submissive I feel so blessed to have my Master guidance unconditional love and support and instruction I have achieved many wonderrful things and I never thought that there would be anyone out there for me and everything that I had prayed for so long has been brought to me in a way I never imagined which came with Master and I have never felt so fulfilled and confident as I am with my Master and for everything my Master is I have so much unconditional love admiration and respect for my Mastef and I feel very blessed to have Master within my life now and there is nothing I wouldn't do for my Master but it goes without saying that my Master has had to be patient enough with me for me to learn to trust him and I am so greatful that my Master has taken his time with me and has never ever let me go as Master's submissive. Never give up in love there is someone out there for all of us it's just a matter of time before they enter our lives and it's always in ways we don't expect.

At May 18, 2015 9:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there! I am very new to all of this but have been researching for a few weeks. I know a lot of what I want and need from someone but I am more interested in making him happy. Making him happy makes me happy... I am having a hard time finding a partner who can assert himself the way I would need him to (a lot of men seen to think pain is bad for women). This is not something I really want to get into detail about here and I am still confused about some things but the main thing I wanted to say was thank you! I appreciate your insight more than you will ever know! For the first time in a long while I have a lot more of an understanding when it comes to what I want/need and eventually I will have it! Patience is a virtue! Thanks again!

At July 07, 2015 12:31 PM, Blogger medieveallass said...

Will, thank you for the topic and for your openness, honesty, and integrity. I am a 44 year divorcee, mom of three, and a sub with less than a year experience in BDSM. Actually, I didn't even know D/s existed a year ago aside from the social stigma and judgemental attitude that "some people like it rough and that's just weird." Sigh. I'm not proud of my old attitude/closed mind. Moving on...

I divorced 7 years ago and spent most of that time getting to know ME and my wants/desires/interests (thus raising my self esteem), and growing both spiritually and emotionally. During this time (with regards to dating), I came to believe that finding out what I DON'T want fine tunes my radar and brings me closer to what I DO want. Trusting that, I ended many casual relationships saying to myself, "Not good enough, God! Bring me something better." I had also defined what I wanted in a relationship, but unfortunately, what I wanted contradicted itself (how can I be in a loving, sexually exciting relationship with a masculine man AND be autonomous, feminine, & free??) Clearly an impossibility, I thought.
Luckily, the Universe has a bigger imagination than I do! Nine months ago, I was introduced to my boyfriend and Dom: a polyamorous man who has spent 20 years learning and defining his skills at being a Dominant. Polyamory and D/s? I had never heard of either. Yet, through the action of defining what I want and then letting it go (staying out of the results), the Universe did it's magic. This relationship, although what I want and what I asked for, has given me immense joy, but also great emotional pain. Yet it's also allowed me to examine myself deeper than I ever could have alone, or even in a vanilla relationship. Not only through the sexual expansion, but in fighting my own demons of jealously and insecurity with the resolve to not make MY issues about HIM or ask him to change, have I been able to peel away years of onion layers and resolve some long held hurt. What's most interesting to me is the contradiction that through submission I've become a strong, confident woman... a woman with clarity in who she is, who no longer accepts unacceptable behaviour from others (men and friends alike), and who's finally learning to take responsibility for her life.

All this through my complete SUBMISSION?? WTF?? I must've been absent the day they taught that dichotomy... ;-)
I'm so grateful to everyone online for sharing so honestly and openly. Your stories over the past 9 months have helped me navigate this new and wonderful (yet unknown) territory, and continually assist me in becoming the woman I've always wanted to be.

At July 29, 2015 11:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a dom ad have fallen for my sub guy; we both have mutual feelings and our dom sex slave relationship is spot on fantastic. I do not know how to stop thinking of him and feeling like a little girl in a candy store, always wanting more of him and my heart beats like a teenager in love I miss hi very much when we are away!I am married and he, we are both very scared of what may happen if we can't control this. There is an intimacy that we do not even have with or spouses. I need help in this. This is the first time I have been in this situation and do not know what to do with it. We don't want to stop seeing each other, because we really enjoy each others time and what we feel and how we love on each other. But when we are apart it hurts! Do we stop seeing each other? How do I keep control of my emotions? What we have together we don't even have with our spouses. I would like an answer from a Dom female or Master here please help me

Thank You

At December 17, 2015 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Great site. I love your writing.

I found your site while researching for an erotica ebook I am writing. My characters are watching a BDSM show and I wanted to find out about subspace. Your article on that was very informative. I have only seen one BDSM show and have not experienced anything in that area, so writing about it makes me a little nervous, but sometimes characters and story develop in unexpected ways...

I am writing to you because one of the comments to an article stuck with me and raised some questions. The poster, presumably a woman, was talking about how she washes and shaves her dom. How she takes care of all the business responsibilities, cleaning, cooking, and even makes sure he gets his vitamins.

To me this relationship sounds more like a mommy/child dynamic. That perhaps his dom side is expressed like that of a willful, petulant child, not a man leading his woman.

Is there a point where that the sub does so much that she is in control? I may be expressing the question wrongly, but the correct one is something to that effect.

At December 23, 2015 10:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad I found this blog. I have been wondering if a Dom/sub relationship is for me. I have looked all over the internet to see if the kind of relational I am looking for was even possible than I find this blog. Now I know that it is possible and I am very happy. For now I'm working on myself and don't feel I'm ready for any kind of relationship but this gives me hope that one day I could meet the kind of man I need in my life.

At December 23, 2015 11:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oops meant to say relationship, not relational. Not so good typing on a phone pad. :/

At January 10, 2016 10:51 AM, Blogger Nubianprincess said...

I've known for a long time that I had a submissive nature but I've never felt comfortable with any part when I have to explore that nature however after being hurt yet again I decided to try to find the truth me which included does submissive mean now I'm having a hard time trying to separate what I enjoyed in the vanilla world and what I'm learning of myself in the city of world I'm lost I'm confused and and I found a job which is now my daddy however he made it clear that I can never have and I'm so confused and lost I don't know what to do I don't know what's going on with me or how to express what I'm feeling any suggestions

At January 10, 2016 10:54 AM, Blogger Nubianprincess said...

I have known for a before a long time that I have a submissive nature I just recently learned of the BDSM community and I found myself Adhan that was very cool and beyond what I could handle just as I was about to walk away from it I found who is now my daddy I'm having a hard time because good things about the vanilla world that I want but the completion that Daddy makes me feel being his submissive is beyond anything I've ever imagined or thought about.

How do I fit myself into this world and be all the Daddy needs me to be without feeling so alone and lost when I don't hear from him I don't talk to him especially since he's in another state he gets angry with me because I need the attention from him and I just don't know what to do can you help me figure this out

At March 07, 2016 7:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm confused about myself. I am a female and I have both Dom and sub desires. I realize that the sub is actually the one in control and find it somewhat ironic. At the end of the day, after being in charge, I enjoy being submissive. But then there's times when I want to have the feeling of domination over someone. I get pleasure from inflicting or receiving pain, being bound or binding someone... for lack of a better description, It's like I have two personalities. But both are bold....this is fairly new to me. I never realized I could enjoy things like this. It's exhilarating!!!

At April 27, 2016 8:18 PM, Blogger Anonymous said...

Hello! Reading what you've written has helped me so much! Where I live, there aren't many people who are in this life style. I am pretty young and have only had one Master before. After everything was done with me and him, I was way too scared to try it again. He was really sadistic and abusive. He wouldn't listen when I used my safe words. He- well, he wasn't like how a Dominant is supposed to be. He made me feel really bad about myself, and I'm still trying to gain backall my confidence. I don't personally know you, so I don't know whether you're busy or not.. But do you know anyone who I can talk to, like a Dominant so I can find out what's really supposed to be going on when having a Master? I've been doing a lot of research but I feel as if talking or messaging someone who is also in the lifestyle would help me get a better understanding. Thanks so much for this article, it helped a lot!

At June 15, 2016 9:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I am in a D/s relationship (I am only submissive in a relationship) I cater to my dominant in the manner that you describe. Not in any action or service do I feel like his mommy. I service and tend to needs of a man, the only kind of man that I can relate to. His physical and emotional dominance over me makes me feel loved, protected and the center of his world. I am free to live my life without the pressures of outside world. He will handle anything that comes up and only has my best interest at heart. Don't be mistaken, I am not week or needy. I am a submissive, I give him my will.
When I am focused on him and his pleasure I am free to be who and what I am. I feel totally feminine, I feel desired and I am at peace. I slip into subspace so easily, not the kind from physical pain and such. Just being in the moment, seeing his pleasure and believe me all my kinks are taken care, when he decides. That adds to the dance, being taken to edge of pleasure and having to beg him to allow myself to release is one thing that makes me crazy and pleases him immensely to see me in such a state. To wash him, care for him is my expression of love. He is a man, the ultimate man. I am not his mommy, I am his, to do with as he pleases, I am his personal whore, his cook all it.
And I love being his plaything.
No mommy here, what is neat, when I slip into subspace the world stands still, my body is tuned in.... Oh my

At October 12, 2016 8:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Will, I have loved reading your blog, and this article specifically made me feel like I might really be able to find a fit in this community. I'm still very new to this and I'd love to talk to you via email if you wouldn't mind. You have such a great way of wording things and it seems to come from a genuine place. I hope you still check responses on here... if you do, my email is hfioda@yahoo.com and I'd love to get your opinions on some things.

At January 15, 2017 8:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a newly single ( I say newly as its taken me almost a year to heal, not sure if I ever will) 62 yo woman who had been into kink with my 30 year relationship and probably my whole life just didn't really know or understand. I was submissive, he was the ultimate man for me. He took care of me in every aspect and I respected and loved him deeply for it. I let him show his authority over me with an open heart, mind and body. He was my SIR and I was proud of it. He never degraded me. I had opinions a voice and a say. He let me take care of him in the loving way I did and he loved that about me. I read his mind and knew him so well. As we aged things changed naturally. He started having some male technical (if you will) problems. I did things to help him achieve orgasm. Things that as being a sub never thought I would ever do. He enjoyed them and even told me that if he knew that it felt this good we would have done this along time ago. His problem got worse, mind you we had gone to the Dr. I gave him testosterone injections, he tried Viagra etc. He just gave up. He stopped touching me and even recognizing me as a person, partner, lover. It was killing me. He came home one day after going to an archery tournament for several days, that I was supposed to go with him as that was something we enjoyed together. He told me he met some guys and he took J/C as his savior and I became a sin and the lifestyle was a sin. He wanted to live alone had no desire for me as a woman or any desire at all the Bible states that lust and masturbation are sins. Know that 30 years he really had no belief. Poof the relation ship was over and I had to move. He got Baptized in the lake behind our house, had a big party with all family and friends and I wasn't even told about it.
So fast forward...I recently started dating maybe 6 weeks ago. Not fun at all. Most of these men have been married and just want to get into your pants after a buying you a cup of coffee. I've hinted about my lifestyle and no one even picked up on anything. I met this man he is nice. I have spoken to him regarding my life style. He showed an interest. I've sent him several articles. I've even pondered to myself. Well I've lived without it for a year, maybe I can or have changed. Nope I can't and don't want to live without it. It is me and I love it.. I would rather be by myself than live a life that would not be complete for me.

At January 15, 2017 10:36 PM, Blogger Will said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Hug :-)

At January 30, 2017 12:32 PM, Blogger Butterfly 802 said...

I recently entered the lifestyle. I was always a sub I just didn't know what the title was. I feel like you described me. However, my Dom is a Master and sometimes I think the lines get blended. Do you think it's possible to be a Dom/Daddy /Master all in one?

At January 30, 2017 2:56 PM, Blogger Will said...

Of course! Everyone has multiple facets to their personality, some of which are hidden but influential. See also Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self.

At April 14, 2017 8:20 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At December 19, 2017 11:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I admittedly stumbled over your writing during a late-night search to abate curiosity. My goal was a simple one, though as life is so keen to remind us- the simplest things can be the hardest to obtain.

The question that bloomed is one that's cropped up in my mind since I began this journey. The search words, "How can I grow to be a better submissive?" The answer to which is as varied and finely tailored as there are Dominants... but thankfully, and with some persistence, my search led me here.

If you by chance read this, know that there is a person whose submissive heart deeply thanks you for the honesty and the insight in your listing of attributes. It opens a new mindfulness to be explored. I look forward to the adventure.

With gratitude,
-this enlightenment seeking insomniac

At September 28, 2018 3:21 PM, Blogger Unknown said...


I realise that your words are a number of years old....and i absolutely do not wish to offend You! I am from England in the UK ( I have no idea where you are from) Ooops!!! I would however like to hear back from you...To chat privately...If you are with your special one...I am so very happy for you both....I would very much like for us to talk and maybe for you to guide me to a like minded individual...If you no longer look at this blog then that's ok. I hope to hear from you soon...Drea xxx

At September 28, 2018 3:29 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Of course there is....This is not about age or looks or your own insecurities ...Pls don't think that!!! This in my eyes is to do with 'Like Minded' individuals Doing what comes naturally xxx DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT people think....Your DOM....is the ONLY one that MATTERS xxx

At October 09, 2018 12:15 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

I'm curious, do you mean triggered in the sense of PTSD triggers?

At November 21, 2018 2:30 PM, Blogger SweetSubFl said...

I really enjoyed your blog and learned I'm on my way to being a good sub. I just started in the lifestyle and want to learn so much more. I feel I can take away some good things from your blog

At January 10, 2019 8:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A few months ago I met someone and I really like him. He said he wants a relationship with me. Recently he started talking about wanting a compliant sub and knows I'll be a good girl. It intrigued me. He said he likes to be a dom when I questioned him. We recently took our relationship sexual. He now is saying he wants to watch me and a dom female. I'm not into women and dont think I want to try that. I'm just learning about submission. He said he will take care of me and make sure nothing bad happens and I am safe. I guess I just dont know what to think. Is this just a d/s relationship or an actual relationship with a d/s side? Maybe I'm just a stubborn irish girl, and even if the wilder things peek an interest, I'm not sold on having other females join us, especially this soon. Is it a deal breaker for the dom?

At March 05, 2020 6:38 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

hi there... i just stumbled across this old post but i felt for some reason it was just right for me to comment. i guess it's because a lot of what You wrote and described, really resonated with me, as in Someone who obviously "gets it". If You haven't yet found her, i hope You do. Someone that gets it like You do, obviously deserves the very best.

At August 22, 2020 4:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are everywhere and there's uj p)rntyrof us. You nrne to take your timr choosing the right person for you. 4vrryonr is different and it's up to you to get to know them and make sure you feel comfortable with them. I guarantee you thrrr is someone living near you right now who is longing to meet someone just like you. I wish I lived closer, id Already be making a comfy spot for you to kneel at the foot of my chair, to make sure your knees are nice and comfy while you're slowly worshiping my cock.


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